Right Reasons Affirmed

u know, i've been crying quite abit.

i cried during FOP when Don Moen sang Still and i relived the feelings of my JC years.

i cried when i sat by the beach on thursday.

i cried today during a prayer of dedication. and during a video.

i usually try to control my tears and think through my emotions. im embarrassed about my tears. suspicious of their basis. worried - that my emoness will breed equally emo girls.

but i can't deny the emotion. and hence, i deduce, there's something there. undeniably, i'm naturally quite emo i think esp in movies and when listening to songs.

i bawled in this one.

But i think, something is working within me. the tears are like a reflex. a jolt of the Holy Spirit.

for one, i never used to cry over starving, ill or orphaned children. i was too busy caring about myself before to have excess care for other ppl. i even remembered, one Christmas/watchnight service, i think 2006, where i heard cheryl bawling during prayer. and i was wondering "does she have some unspoken problems weighing on her mind???" i was amazed when i found out that she was crying for ppl who were suffering at the other side of the globe. i just couldn't understand her compassion.

i still don't quite understand it, and yet, i cry when i see these things. it's like my mind is a little slow to catch up with my heart and my spirit.

during the altar call at missions festival today, the speaker made a call for people to submit whatever they had in their hands to the Lord to be used by Him.

i was reluctant to make a move. because i knew my tendency to be a showy and theatrical person. and i was afraid that i would be as such without even knowing it.

and den, something spoke to me, at the back of my mind. "So, you want to be a corporate lawyer? you sure? what are you going to do for the Lord there?"

i realized i couldn't answer The Voice. i never could say, with 100% sincerity, that i'm content and certain of the job currently awaiting for me.

so, what do i do?

my friend once told me of this analogy - Place what you want and what you have on an open palm and hold it up to God. Too often do we hold it up, BUT with a clenched fist.

so here goes, everything i have, on that palm, up to God. my fingers need a bit of prying open, but continue to pry at it Lord. teach me.