i drank indian ale

you know, it's pretty amazing how a tinge of alcohol clears up your mind and loosens your tongue. so here goes another attempt at an honest blogpost, with the occasional rant against perceived judgments made by ppl. =)

i've always had the element of that bad girl in me i think. i truly believe that i could have been one of those SPG-wannabes around if not for the circumstances of my life and my social circle.

it was affirmed by a friend who says the darndest things (although he's not a kid any longer). "You always put your fun first right?" *smirk* "You're a princess!" *grin*

it was suggested tonight. "Kim! you have the clubbing spirit lah. you're MADE for clubbing!"

i don't deny i'll probably enjoy clubbing. except for the booming music which will give me a bad headache, i think if i can filter that to a lower volume, i would love clubbing. (but probably only for 10 minutes. dancing and jumping about, then i wanna zao already.) *

my zen flen, an alien and i went to the pump room tonight. we were suppose to go for a play but we skipped it coz we didn't feel like it HAHA (the play was free btw, we're not to the level of Cool where we'll skip a PAID play).

i loved it. as i took my mini-pint beer. i said out loud jokingly, but not without truth "last night i was emo. i guess i should let myself emo now since the setting is right."

and hence i did.

there were 2 bands that night. the 1st was an acoustic. the pump room was hardly filled. the air was contemplative. i was thoughtful. reflective. other times, my mind drew a blank and i was numb.

as i drank. numbness dissolved into a state of relaxation. i felt happy, relaxed, giggly.

the 1st band played our dedications and zen flen and i clapped and cheered. i felt high. i laughed at the nonsensical alien antics. i was so happy with good music and good company.

we spent 3 hours there. we finished our beers probably at the 2-hour mark. i laughed like mad. i zoned out every once in a while. i bounced and danced in my seat like no one could see me. after alien left, zen and i were even offered drinks by 2 tall angmo guys who realized we've been missing drinks from our table since, forever.

and i thoroughly understood the appeal of night life.

as i was thinking about this, i wondered about who i was.

i felt (and i always have) like the Bad Friend in the movies who tempts and lures her good friend (main character) into doing bad and evil things with the helpless family members and boyfriend looking on and advising the ignorant main character not to deal with this Bad Friend.

i felt like the Bad Girl who can never get the guy. and can only settle for 2nd best (in fact, for MANY 2nd bests in her attempt to fill the spot of the Impossible First) she gets condemned to eternal loneliness and misery to learn from her mistakes of self-destruction

i mean there seems to be some truth in there doesn't it?

why do ppl in church think i'm a bad girl?

why do ppl out of church think i'm a good girl?

why can't i just be me?

....

these are all thoughts i entertain whenever i feel rejected, and thoughts that are utterly misguided.

*there are other reasons why i don't club but i don't want to bother justifying it here. because this post is not about that.

my dad and mom kept pushing me to meet this guy who was in town - John Coutis.

Uncle John, has no legs.

He's living proof you don't need long legs to be cool.

i sat in for a short talk Uncle John gave tonight (i call him uncle john coz my daddy kept telling me "get that for uncle john.... see what uncle john is doing etc etc". makes me feel closer to him too!) and den thereafter we went for punggol nasi lemak supper.

i thoroughly enjoyed his company. and not solely because he was inspirational or unintimidating. i enjoyed his company just coz he was fun. and he taught me how to laugh, even if the joke is on me. he taught me how to enjoy life despite anything thrown my way.

Uncle John told about how his deformed feet (which had little sensation in it) was slashed and poked with needles by bullies in class sitting behind him. they cut off 3 of his toes.

Uncle John told about how he once had to go to the restroom urgently while he was in class but could not get the teacher's attention. so he hopped off his chair and onto a sea of pins and thumbtacks planted by the devil's spawn (my term, not his) at the bottom of his chair.

Uncle John shared about how he was thrown into a garbage bin by bullies in his high school who then set the bin on fire.

He was buried deep. he could not lift himself out.

His flesh burnt. He smelt death.

But he was saved. and he became the man that he is today.

i felt so much affection for him in such a short time. and i felt so encouraged to simply just enjoy every moment of life.

love story of my dreams

i was waiting for her in the girl's bunk. i wanted to tell her we were sleeping communally in the main hall tonight. though i had a sensing she did not want to join us.

i looked around. the girl's bunk was lit with a starking white fluorescent lighting. clothes and cloth hung everywhere. the air felt a bit damp.

in walked She with Jack by her side. He had walked her back.

my heart plunged.

After declining to join us, she told Jack to walk me back. He obliged coz that's just the sort of guy he is.

we walked. and we saw a spinning carousel on strings. before i knew it, we were on. not just Jack and I, but a group of us. the carousel had different shaped seats for you to sit at different angles. i was on the flat piece and hence was lying on my tummy. Jack was right behind me.

the carousel went round and round. first a light breeze. and then, it got stronger and stronger.

we were going faster and faster.

i squealed in delight. for a moment, elation filled my simple unable-to-multi-task mind. i forgot the numbness of denial. i forgot the peculiar emptiness of losing what i never possessed.

the carousel moved in an oscillating motion. and hence every plunged brought my seat close to the ground. since i was on my tummy, the faster we went, the more it felt like i was going to slam my face on the ground with every downward movement of the machine.

the faster it went, the more fearful i got. but the more excited as well.

the shouts soon turned to screams. i could sense we were all getting scared, but far to excited to stop it. anyway, what could we have done to stop the carousel?

soon, the carousel got too fast and its top flew off.

before i knew it, we were all standing side by side laughing from post-excitement of the exhilarating ride. i had so much fun. i was giggling so hard. feeling so high. i felt Jack look at me. but i didn't look back. i didn't dare look at him.

i carried on giggling.

and then, he took my hand and held it.

i finally looked at him and smiled. i was not very much surprised, though the move made my heart soar for just a moment.

but the numbness seeped back. it seeped into that moment of happiness, making it a weird concoction of contradictory feelings. i knew it was only a hand of friendship. i could not dare to hope for more as i have done before.

George started making coo-ing noises and teasing us as he saw us holding hands. hearing this, i smiled at George, and took his hand too. just to show him it was only a hand of friendship.

just to show me, it was only a hand of friendship.

and then i awoke. and immediately wished i could have at least held on to his hand for a while longer while i was still sleeping.

ironically, you're right

i am too proud.

is this self-inflicting?

Lord, i would really like to leave this in your hands.

10 years down the road, i'll tell this, as a joke. and laugh at you.

the most encouraging thing i've heard in a while

"kim, the year 1 and year 2 you was so.... competitive. not that i don't like competitive people, but i was thinking to myself, errr, ok. she's nice but i wont get very close to her. but you've changed. you're different now."

praise the Lord.

oh my goodness. i can't believe the holidays are passing by slower than the exams. HAHAHAHAHA so ironic.

welllll, im not bored per se. coz i've done quite a bit in the past few days. but im just amazed at how slow time is passing. is it really less than a week since my exams were over????? feels like a mth ago. oh wait, does that mean time has passed faster or slower?

oh my goodness, i become stupid as well.

some one (or two) liner updates about my past few days for ur entertainment.

went to the polyclinic to check up my knee and sprained my foot (slightly). (this isn't that funny coz the sprain was quite minor)

went to the polyclinic and waited almost 15 to 20 minutes for the pharmacy to issue my medicine before realizing i must FIRST submit the prescription i received. that was when i sprained my foot as i hurried to submit my prescription.

HAHAHA i'm quite the joke.

next day, went to watch shutter island before plucking out my wisdom tooth. was wondering whether post-thriller-movie psychological thriller would strike me while i was at the dentist.

it didn't. i almost fell asleep as they drilled my teeth. probably also coz i was dizzy from losing blood.

taking an xray of my tooth was more painful (had to bite on some cardboard thingy) than the actual operation.

on an impromptu diet of porridge, olive veges, pork floss, milk (coffee and black sesame flavoured WOOOO i have exotic tastebuds!) and COFFEE. i actually seriously wanna grab a bowl of ramen later but im not sure if i should risk it.

korean test. standing by to purchase concert tickets which were sold out upon release -_-. reading newspaper (GOOD JOB KIM!!!) korean language research (aka watching youtube videos i had ENOUGH OF THIS seriously. overdose in a matter of 2 days already). internship applications.

think i need to get out of the house soon!!!

ehhhh how is a mac suppose to be easier to use???

oh my goodness i so change my mind bout wisdom tooth not hurting. the pain overrides the dizziness now.

the pain of plucking ur wisdom tooth can't compare to the dizziness. such a disgusting feeling!!!

what was initially very funny, became very nonsensically frustrating.

when my exams end, my mind will float back to Enigma. i already feel the pull.

i dreamt i attended yunho's concert and he looked at me at one point of the song, walked over and passed me the mic. i didn't know the words, so i smiled and held his wrist and nodded.

handsome like mad.

who am i

i was cold all morning. but i never wore my jacket. i was too sucked into my work. too busy trying to finish it.

and den it hit me. Strike 3.

...Let's go a few days back in time to Strike 1.....

Strike 1: TUESDAY

3 days ago. a tuesday. i was fired up. ready to work. i had a plan for the topics i was going to spot, essays i was going to write. no time to waste.

God: "What about your time with me? Are you going to read My word today?"

ehhh... ok. if u say so. *quickly reads* *realizes im reading fast and tries to slow down* *even though i slow down nothing much sinks in*

Me: "Why God? Why am i like that? Why the change in heart suddenly now that i'm enthused about work? How do i reconcile you with work? Help me ok, i'm very distracted from you and i duno what to do. kthxbye."

*Goes to school*

Bumps immediately into Friend.

Friend: "I'm going to pray!"

ehhh ok, guess i should go with you.

*Goes* Ah. Feel better. Feels slightly more right. Feels slightly more justified about starting work now.

Friend: "I think God wants to pursue you."

Ehhhh... right. that makes sense to u but doesn't make sense to me. (((kthxbye)))

*rushes to work*

Strike 2: THURSDAY (this is a simple one)

Class participation marks are out!!!

*Checks*

wth B-. whats your problem, prof. i talk so much in class. i even intentionally put out my namecard until the very last week so u won't forget my name. yet u still forgot my name didn't u? can't make out whether i'm mary, hua hua, siti or meydabudihatantilengkong* (*All names changed to protect identities. the last one being a real person - my indonesian secondary sch classmate whose name i loved to chant) which explains why i got the same marks as someone else who hardly spoke up (the competitive spirit within me which i utterly detest arises)

i'm very forgettable.

i'm very worthless.

i'm very angry.

(and i'm very unable to distinguish between what 1 person thinks of me hypothetically to who i really am)

Class part and irritating angmo prof - kthxbye.

Strike 3: TODAY

Friend gestures over to me.

Friend: "Other friend has brought someone to know the Lord! =D"

What. Why. Why haven't i been able to do that. am i not faithful enough Lord? Do i need to look upon you as a Pursuer of me, as a Lover of my Soul, as my courter like my friends are (apparently the latest trend among my friends who have read Captivated) in order to see results?

Conveniently forgets what he has done.

Competitive spirit compels me to look upon friends unfavourably.

Buys into lies that i'm utterly worthless.

---------------------

i go out of the library and downstairs to sit by myself. i need time with God. i didn't even do quiettime today because i went out for early bfast with my parents (and i was slightly happy about it coz i save time!)

Whats up with me? Why am i here? Faith crisis.

I am sooooooo perturbed by the Pursuer, Relationship analogy used by my Captivated friends. Why it is so disturbing to me???? Is there something wrong with our rship God?

And den it rang in my head.

Who am i. That the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt.

Not because of who i am, but because of what You've done. Not because of what you've done, but because of who You are.

Still You, hear me when i'm calling. Lord, You catch me when i'm falling. And You told me who i am

I am Yours.

He told me:

• Yes, I am pursuing you. But not in a different way from your friends. Because you are different. Because you are unique.
• I pursued you by showing you that you need me.
• I showed you that you need me by keeping you humble and down to earth.
• If i didn't give you Bs, how else would you know you need me? How else would i get your attention? How would you continue to rely on Me?
• Even if you have Bs, i love you. Because You are mine. Mine alone. I will have no one else tell you you are not good enough. And i will never say that. Coz you are good enough in me. You are my beloved.
• And btw, you asked for me to help you on Tuesday didn't you? There you go. =)

-------------------------------

I came back to the library. the first thing i did was to put on my jacket and write this down.

Disclaimer: A "B" in Smu Law is equivalent to a "C"/just pass/average elsewhere.

Should i work hard for a subject i can only foreseeably get a "B" for? i hate meritocracy. =( (though i know of it's practical perks for any society)

should i allow fear to compel me to slack off?

should i live in fear knowing im in safe arms?

Lord, where are u leading me to? Am i going to be lawyer? I don't want to be lawyer if i'm going to be mediocre. Can you bring me someplace where i will excel?

But den again, what is my measure of excellence.

Lord, let me excel in your work. If i am to be a mediocre lawyer in the secular sense, can u give me a spirit of excellence and fulfilment in other senses? pls?

sustain me in this dog-eat-dog world, my King, the lover of my soul. i can hardly hear u or see u during this time of mugging.

what would happen to me when i free-fall into the corporate world and get crushed by waves of legal contracts. where would i find u? where would i find the focus, determination, energy to focus on u?

who will support me? who will remind me? who will save me?

---------------

2 hours later...

Wwwwwhhhyyyyy WHY am i in law?????????????

i've got relationship issues, i think.

my friend told me "i think the Lord wants to pursue you." (they've been reading Captivated) and i felt a little disgusted. why the analogy? why relationships. eeyerh.

i really wonder why that was my immediate reaction. and the word Love (eros) kinda scares me too.

i dun feel like that all the time. sometimes i'm perfectly cool about it and even desire it. but i sometimes find myself VERY turned-off by the thought of relationships. to the extent that i feel like puking now. but that could be because i ate pasta last night.

case in point, my blog posts a week back. when i was veh-veh encouraged by the fact that my Lord loves me beyond measure. and He chose me. i was encouraged.

but not yesterday (and today). what is it with this changing human heart?

one step closer to giving him a chris tomlin cd!!!

it doesn't seem to change things

wish i had an older brother like you.=)

low metabolic rate is one of the most frustrating things ever.