i will

Mom: "have u reflected on this year yet?"

Me: "nope. reflecting is not my thing. how to reflect????"

i'm not the kind to go take a walk in chinese gardens (kekekeke justin) nor walk on the beach (dawn, perhaps?) nor walk the streets of joochiat in the wee hours of the morning (aunty chacha) not sit at the table, on the bed, anywhere, with a journal, and reflect (bff, perhaps?).

But today, 2 things came to my mind during my own personal battlefield (i.e. jogging along the beach). or rather, 3 things.

1stly, i will run.

i have a personal extra-short-term goal when it comes running/exercising. i never stop short of the goal i set. never ever. i will run and do sit-ups till i ache, hurt and even cry. but i won't stop. to be realistic, i often do not set very high goals. my goal for the past 2 months of running in marine parade have been almost the same (and rather short at that). run to the seafood restaurants and back. however, i will always complete that distance with a short 1 min break once i hit the bridge to the seafood restaurants and chiong back, often with a burst of speed at the end. this i do, regardless of whether i've had a rough day or whether i haven't eaten anything for breakfast during the morn runs (NO ENERGY).

and so it made me realize, i can run. not only along the beach. but in all things i resolve to do well. i will run and continue running.

if theres a small obstacle, i will push. if theres a large obstacle, i will push harder. unless something involuntarily stops me fully in my tracks, i will run. of coz this will only be things i WANT to do. to do it for all things would be impossible and silly. and to adopt this kind of attitude for activities not worth me pursuing would be even sillier (how many times have i done this in the past!)

2ndly, i will dance

my hope of dancing has never went away. initially, i thought it was the chauvinistic attention-seeking part of me that basked in the idea of dancing.

apparently not. i no longer feel the urgent need to stand out. and yet i still feel like dancing. and it saddens me that i've stiffened. that i hadn't pursue what i loved. and not for want of trying. i teared when i first entered uni and realized i could not join dance as i couldn't make it for the timeslots for practices.

dance classes are inadequate. i want to dance, to perform. i can't dance mindlessly, like on the clubbing floor and what nonsense. it doesn't make sense for me to do something for no ends, even if it's what i love. to me - to dance is to practice to perfection. to dance is to invest time, energy and heart. to dance it to perform.

i always thought this urge and desire to dance was childish. but this is my makeup and my personal passion. and i learnt today, as i sat on a swivel chair in the lights shop as my parents negotiated pricing with the shop-owner, that theres no need to dress down what i long for and my desires are nothing to be ashamed of.

Quoting from Leigh McLeroy's The Beautiful Ache:

"How is it possible to long for something so deeply and so desperately and never see it? Haven't i trusted in You, God, or have I only not trusted in me? Is the desire of my heart from You? And if so - haven't You promised to give it when I delight myself in You? And haven't I done that? Then what? When? How? I have waited on You alone. I want You and no one else, to give me my desire of a husband a family."

"Did Sarah ever remind You of her age? This Saturday, Lord God, is my birthday. Another year, and my desire is the same as it has ever been. All my distractions and old allegiances are gone. Killed. Severed. I am no one's now but Yours."

"I need You to give me the desires of my heart. I cannot get them for myself, by myself. Help me to look expectantly to the future You are forging for me, even now. To believe Your good loving-kindness exists for me and not just for others. Help me to count on You, to hope in You with confident assurance. Please. It's midnight, and I'm here: begging for my bread before the only one who can give it.Prepare a banquet for me, jst because You are good. Please God, would You do that for me?"

"Why shouldn't i hope outrageously in my good God, with ot without a bright red bird in sight? His loving-kindness is everlasting, and so in faith i do believe. May he help my unbelief and - until that day - make me strong enough to embrace the ache I am still too hopeful and hungry to quietly put away"

McLeroy's wish is to get married and have kids. McLeroy is probably pushing 50. i tried to find her age, but all i could find was a picture.

nothing wrong with embracing that hope, no matter how small or embarrassing.

i've a few thoughts in my head how to go about doing this. most imptantly, i want to dance in a way that will bring glory to God and not to myself. and so i pray for Him to purify my desires. and if it His will, to satisfy it.

the magic of thoughts on adrenaline.

don't read too much into this, it's just poetry

its an entire mystery.

what i held, i keep replaying it in my mind.

what u gave, i tried to return, but i don't know if i did.

what was done, i might read like a book upside down.

do u like peanuts?

can u tell what a person is thinking from their eyes?

sitting in a half-shaded hall,

but your eyes were anything but shaded

Are there almonds in China?

"yes i was kind enough to wait" and "yes that is not a logical excuse".

a move is made.

i mix candy with pins, so i will be awoken.

i mix clouds with mud, so i would be realistic.

nothing is pure these days. we are all mixed-up.

i let emotions fade with memories, so the slade will be clean.

-----------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I don't lie. i always say what i feel and think. perhaps i shouldn't write flowery words here which allow for much room for misintepretation. But this is my blog so i write what i want. So i implore you not to read into anything. =) thanks.

lyricslyrics galore

"i'll be the prince and you'll be the princess" is so yesterday.

"she wears short skirts, i wear t-shirts" is so SO in.

"she's like, so whatever" is CLASSIC!

---------

BFF's ON FACEBOOK LIKE FINALLYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

drowning. beauty. belts. challenges. irritants. WRONG SIGNALS. chocolates. law quarterly review - where to find???????

just some things on my mind.

i laugh with u. i hug u. i let you insult me for ur own entertainment.

but am i your friend?

enough is enough horh, i tell u. grrrr...

memorable events:

1.

Hark the herald angels sing. i still dunno what's going on.

2.

"Rainbow!"

"WHEREWHEREWHERE!!!"

whole car tilts to the right while everyone cramps to see the rainbow out of the window. screams a plenty. rising complains of not being able to see.

Marianne: "Sam! if you put your head infront of Chris, you might be able to see it!" aunty Chris was our driver.

3.

zhr zhr zhr.

4.

WATERFALL!!!!!!!

5.

taupoking desiree coz she keeps asking for it. i could tell by her body language. constantly languishing on the bed in front of my very eyes. it's so fun to be the 2nd person in the taupok. u feel like you will die. the person below you will struggle (desiree) and the person on top will bounce up and down. it's exhilarating. it's even more exhilarating when the person below starts tickling you.

6.

gunfight with water!!!! SO FUN!!!! boys vs. girls. i think the girls put up a gd fight didn't we. =)

7.

singing in the holy of holies (of which the curtains dawn proceeded to use to create her last day outfit)

8.

sleeping in the same bed as my best friends. it's so nice!!!

9.

reliving my ahlian days.=)

my preferences are changing. what i used to value so highly is now fading. or is the structure still in tact but the content of the preference changing?

attributes over talent.

bonding/comfort over respect and admiration.

even for some things that would weigh heavily on me - those have lightened. how would life turn out? where will you and i be? the answers unravel day by day, hardly ever before it's time has come.

you told didn't u!!! angry.

never ever ever again.

xiaxue is engaged!!!!! mike proposed to her in the cinema!!!! so touching!!!! i teared!!!!! oh goodness i'm so happy for her although its none of my business!!!!!!!!!!!

i think i've been looking for a reason to cry.

here it is.

i saw u, from afar.

u caught my eye.

sexy. sophisticated.

and cute too. u froze, beckoning to me.

i had to have you.

MINEMINEMINE!!!

Sergio rossi is the designer for VERSACE btw. my first branded purchase! i don't care much for brands but i still buy into (smu) norms to a small extent, to be honest.=)

CONGRATS!!! i'm above average for one subject!=D

i'm so worried i'm becoming you. T_T

thats top on my I Don't Want list.

wash clothes till skin tore off.

inconvenience to the max.

i really hate being a girl (at this point of time=( )

Act 1 Scene 1

3 girls and 1 boy sitting at a square table. Girl A sits opposite Girl B looking at each other. Girl A is leaning forward. Girl B is leaning back, left arm over the bank of the chair, cross legged and tapping the fingers on her right hand on the table. Girl C and Boy sit with palms on knees, straight back, staring down at the table.

Girl A is talking enthusiastically with many actions.

While Girl A gestures, Girl B is looking intently at Girl A with a silent smile. Nodding, smiling and tapping the fingers on her right hand every once in a while.

While Girl A gestures and speaks, Girl B's left hand, draped over the back of the chair also starts to sway from side to side - subtly than slightly increasing in amplitude.

After 3 changes of gestures by Girl A, Girl's B left hand starts to gesture it self. First it stretches. Then it clenches. Than it starts to rotate. Than it starts to twi st and jerk in abrupt spasms of different shapes. the movements repeat 2 times.

During the course of the above movements, Girl B than lifts her right hand from the table to brush her fringe and settles it back on her lap. All this while, the rest of Girl B's body remains the same.

Soon after, Girl B passes a piece of paper on her lap to Girl C under the table. Girl C's left hand takes it but does not move other than for that. After 3 seconds, Girl C lifts up head and smiles, looking on at Boy.

Girl continues talking and gesturing without noticing any change.

Girl B's right hand begins to move in the same manner as Girl B's left hand under the table. Soon, Girl B's left hand begins to shake. Soon, her right hand also begins to shake. As a result, Girl B's entire body starts to shake slightly.

Girl A pauses midway in her conversation and gesturing. She has noticed Girl B's movements and looks puzzlingly at Girl B.

Girl C turns whole body to look at Girl B

Girl B notices Girl A stops talking and gesturing and looks frightened. Girl B looks to her left and right in fear. Girl B puts both arms behind her back and clutch them together. Girl B starts to stand up slowly. Girl A starts to stand slowly as well. Girl B suddenly pushes table slightly forward and runs away frantically.

Boy raises head and looks in direction where Girl B runs. Boy than turns to look at Girl A. Girl A, still standing, looks at Boy. Girl C continues to look onwards towards where Girl B ran.

FRIENDS - i love u so much. sorry that i don't always feeeelllll that way. But i know it. I KNOW IT! need to spend more time with all u guys. =(

this is the first time i've preferred the bad guys so much over the good guys. partly coz of their acting. but also coz they are just so much cooler than the good guys - their demeanour, style and character plots.

i prefer this.

North Korean head of secret agency

over this.

Discarded south korean agent who is being hunted by 20485 countries but never seems to die.

like seriously. why do ppl like brown-coloured plastic stomaches so much? i like his character. a lil evil. but he doesn't have the know-it-all, experienced swagger of Mr North Korean. though clearly Mr. Plastic Stomach is actually way more admirable than Mr North Korean.

and this.

North Korean pawn who helps the guy she is suppose to assassinate.

over this.

Team Leader of some secret agency.

i see her picture i already yawn. BORING. Ms Short-Hair who is hardly feminine and never wears skirts is so much cooler! and tragic. love it love it!

pity im more like Ms Boring in personality. if not i would really cut my hair like Ms Leather Jacket and work that scowl.

seriously, this is like, SO ENGAGING! i love the northkorean south korean merger theme! its SO AWESOME!

pretty!

crap. my high-flyer days are over.

39 reasons why i'm secretly a boy

i'm really good at tunnelling my vision.

(this is great fun, coming up with reasons to be a boy!^^)

heartless. heartless.

so be it.

liking hugs doesn't mean i'm emo.

"i'm so heartless, mama."

"you're not heartless. you just tend to be very logical and rational. some stability is needed you know? if everyone emo, then how?"

"but i'm not very stable now."

"coz you're forcing yourself to be unstable."

i am only human.

i think i wanna change my other half's name from Katherine to Kean.

can you put a name to a face?

Estella - fake eyelashes. coloured contact lenses. pursed lips (imagine dawn yang)

Nancy - plain jane pretty. long skirts. (imagine mandy moore in a walk to remember)

i know im suppose to be anti-stereotype. but isn't this a fun social experiment.

and hence, i conclude. some ppl just have plainly wrong names. i wonder what my real name should be.

Now, in typical justin-hui fashion --> While i was contemplating on this social experiment on the way to the toilet and back, i returned to the Tings Tings' Thats Not My Name.What are the odds. (Katherine: eh... actually not very high.)

ex-love of my life.

pls don't disband.

SUPERSHOW!!!!

gt slp to study tml kthxbye.

kimberlite is a volcanic rock.

getting used to being taken as a fool.

"a fool in law school, is worse then being nothing. you are of negative value. a bane to society."

no one seriously. SERIOUSLY. seems to understand how tough my course is.

and i never ever say it. coz everyone's course is tough for them.

but mine is tough. real tough. i'm just asking for understanding. Not for "oh but everyone's course is tough *nodnod* mine too you know?"

it's me. my problem i'm talking about. not yours.

jonghyun passed the swineflu to onew so onew's not performing and jonghyun is currently singing out of tune (so rare) coz he's sick and lee teuk stepped into the shoes of onew just like his fellow kind member of suju, yesung did 2 days before, but only that lee teuk dances way better and sings marginally worse.

not that anyone understood that still. still self-conversing.

tonight, katherine is excited about going to her friend's party.

today, katherine went to watch a movie in the afternoon IMPROMPTU, W/O PLANNING, and felt peaceful throughout.

kimberly, is silent, for one day.

JONGHYUN IS DOWN WITH SWINE FLU AND SHINEE IS PROMOTING AS 4 MEMBERS BUT SURPRISE SURPRISE YESUNG FROM SUJU APPEARED IN JONGHYUN'S PLACE.

amaaazzzziiiiiiiiinnnnnnggggggggggggggggg. not that any of u just understood that. thats why, this blog is called - Self-Conversing.

ENOUGH WITH THE PARTIES I TELL YOU!

i feel quite happy, instead of sad, that my friend didn't invite me for her party YAYNESS.

(don't care if i sound evil. i'll just say it's my other half speaking. it's so useful to have a split personality.)

-15 mins later-

It dawned on me - the importance of Birthdays. It's the celebration of your existence. Cool. Then why not have a small dinner. Why have a party. (i know i had one too. but i rather have had a dinner now that i think of it. I was "peer-pressured" into celebrating my 21st "with a bang". Thank God i didn't go as far as to get a chalet.)

(Also. Surprise parties are EXEMPTED. those are fun. meaningful. nice. succinct. sweet.)

my teeth is killing me.=( i think this is the tightest my braces have ever went (since the 1st time that is).

now this blog entry is gonna suddenly, sporadically switch from the topic of teeth to 2 specific girl-women. one, i've blogged about before. one i have not.

Girl #1

my first impression of her was - Impressive. It was not a bad impression. More like an intimidating one. I immediately knew she and i would not have the same kind of friends. She had been a leader in many organizations and events. Has a nice, low voice. loves high-end stuff. intelligent. great clothes.great figure. great hair. mole. commands respect and attention.

all the above i knew before i knew the next thing about her - So down-to-earth and comfortable. she's everything but she never says it. she knows it. and im sure she's proud of it. but i've never seen someone handle the fact of their achievements so well. with humility (and u can't fake it coz it'll show in your actions and words) yet without being overhumble. she's comfortable. confident.

and we talk. and she likes me. amazing.

Girl #2

never met a more interesting christian girl den her. totally assertive. constantly on the brink of offending someone (or so her friends and her say, but i don't really feel so) slave-driver. over-anxious and frenetic (ya worse den me). can do 20 over drafts for her essays from scratch. usually doing her work. doesn't spend huge amounts of time with ppl. often not present for events and if she is, she'll expressly actively push everyone to hurry up.

FINALLY. i see a living example of Not All Christians Come In The Same Packaging. and she's a real follower i tell u. so fired up and passionate about the word and spreading it. amazing lah she. i usually ask guys for advice in certain matters that i want answers for coz they are more logical, less emo. But this girl, i will definitely go to for advice.

apparently. being guyish, achievements-motivated and workish doesn't mean i'm a man. i've been wanting to be a boy for a few weeks now. but i think i've finally stopped. thank God. and i started being interested in guys again. i've actually begun noticing a few of them. YAY! back to normal.

ARGHHHARGGGHHHARGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! tooth brush dropped on kitchen floor TWICE!!!! ARGGGHHHHH!!!! cannot tahan. i might just have to buy a new toothbrush.

i got another secret to tell.

i use abbreviations for my notes. And there's a particular concept called Forum Mandatory Laws. I feel like chuckling everytime i write FML.

tsktsktsk. so childish. (the other half of me speaks) my name is Katherine. nice to meetchu.

egg-sauce-dirt.

i've started getting acquainted with the house. i greet it out loud everytime i enter. hopefully, we getto know one another better and become close friends. i currently dun trust the toilet.

greetings from justin's ex-room. i see remnants of an undying love for Disney plastered on the faded cupboards.

I"M STARVINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. ah Huis. Why your house no food.

how come i feel more energized sleeping less than 6 hours a day with a coffee first thing i the early morning (and by that i mean 8am) as compaed to sleeping ~ 7 hours with a coffee later on?

addicted.

huh? no. nono.

clearing out the fridge is quite fun.

I came across some Nutty Bars from Royce, imported from Japan and was DELIGHTED!

080908.

With a shrug, i tore the wrapper open. After all, numbers are just numbers. i never believed in expiry dates.

10 neatly wrapped rectangular bars in yellow wrapping paper. Oh so pretty. and such a nice good size!

taking one, i ripped the cover off. Hmmm... this chocolate looks weird. like it's been in the fridge too long (which it has).

with a shrug, i went to the sink and bit in. After all, looks are just looks. i never believed in looking and judging things on th surface.

CRAP. inside was all mould.

Hence, moral of the story is: 2 years pass expiry date, food can no longer be eaten. but i think, 1 year pass expiry date and below, still can.=)

i feel an obsession itch coming on. scratch scratch. it's DBSK all over again.

it always happens when im getting too busy and bored and burnt with what i'm busy with.

byebye Best Law Student for Financial Accounting award!

whatever. begone. *flicks hand*

i don't like parties.=( not even my own.

family things, should be kept within the family. don't you think?

as much as i am not a proponent of "Asian Values", i kinda adhere to this belief.

should we, be kind to telemarketers. or wary.

i got such KIND grp mates!!! i ponned financial accounting today to work on Conflicts of Law research paper and you know what my group did???

You know what they DID!

they did the pop quiz in class for me and wrote down my name for submission.

Questionably unethical but I AM SO TOUCHED!!!!!

my God is amazing

i asked for a Kallang home close to the MRT knowing it was almost impossible to get one at a good price. He gave it.

my ah ma will come to know Christ. i know it.

The anticipation. Of checking my essay grade.

smart friend: “You know my essay, I did it the night before it was due. And it’s damn funny lah. I checked my grade and it was an A-. So I was telling my friend how no need to do numerous drafts also can get A-.”

I didn’t do numerous drafts. But I spent hours on it.

Would it be 60+? 70+? 90+?

The voice that used to convince me I would get an A has softened quite abit in university.

It has started occurring to me how doing well is really not the be all and end all. Afterall, I don’t want to be top shot lawyer or earn big bucks. And it helps that I don’t have these goals. Because then my want for gd grades has no rational “end goal”

Yet. Old habits die hard.

And as I try to access the system. I pray. I have another paper due on Friday. I don’t want to be discouraged. Here goes.

things i think about when studying

what would it take to make an asian have naturally red hair?

Chinese Person posted on discovervancouver.com/forum -

"I am Chinese, so I have black hair. I found like 5 Reddish orange hair on my head, and I didn't dye my hair. Is this normal?"

Replies he got -

"Bird Flu!"

"Dutch Ancestor!"

"Protein or Iron problem!"

i was thinking... a parent on each side with a recessive gene - Redhead.

katy perry and zooey deschanel!

MY kind of girls! how do u maintain that kind of hair? I really want that LOONNNGGGGG HAAAAAIIIIIIRR. It'll be 1 of the 2 things i love. The 2nd thing i'll love is how easily i could cut my hair off, and not feel a thing.

I love summer. I love her long brown hair.

I hate summer. I hate her 60s hairstyle.

I’m going to write an unadulterated blog entry today. Warning: r21 themes and never-before-revealed secrets ahead. Don’t read if you’re scared.

I’m not kidding. This is not a funny entry.=)

2 things have gotten me down in these 2 days. The first thing that I would talk about (which triggered off this idea of a blog entry actually!) would be my friend’s comment: “Your eyes are big, but not pretty.”

Slight perturbness there. The simple reason being, I think my eyes are pretty. I’ve been taught to think my eyes are pretty.

And this is the 1^st secret revelation today. I think I’m pretty. Now, I would imagine a series of expressions to that serious statement up there. I’m being honest, in no way is this a female version of the Jon-ma-I’m-so-hansum joke. But it’s alright, I understand your reaction. And thankfully, I don’t need to see it. I just plead that the readers of my blog are good friends whom I can trust not to judge me before they read the following few paragraphs.

And so I continue.

Underlying the content of my secret, is a problem. I ache when my prettiness is not recognized. And I can finally be honest about that, because the ache has lessened in recent years. But it hasn’t gone away.

In fact, I ache when a lot of things I assumed about myself, in all my pride, are not recognized about me. More so, when it’s proven I have assumed wrong. Firstly, I’m not that intelligent. A clear fact in law school, I can tell you. Very clear. Not just by my grades, by my general standard of thinking. Secondly, I’m not always right. HAHA clearly. But these things have lessened as well.

However, after a burning week of hard work and little sleep, these thoughts come back to me. I re-visit my inadequacies. I lose focus. I forget why I’m working so hard. I forget what I’m working for. In fact, if you ask me now, I can give you the textbook answer but still be living in a state of memory-loss.

So now, to tie both of my Kryptonites up, herein lies a paradox. I love being recognized as pretty, but I hate and look down on that side of me. Pretty vessels with no substance are not worthy of respect. And hence, I look down on good-looking people. I tend towards people of talent and intelligence. I might like goodlooking ppl, but I often find it hard to respect them. In fact, the people I find really attractive in appearance are often not the most goodlooking people. I can’t explain my barometer for attraction. Their personality just seems to radiate out of their pores to make them LOOK (and not just SEEM) very very goodlooking. I won’t name names coz after that, you’ll feel sian, since it seems like I’m saying you’re not truly, naturally goodlooking.

This now branches out to 2 different parts of this essay. I shall touch on the less provocative one first.

The 2^nd thing that got me down, was a busride in the rain to school. It was one of the rare moments where I had time alone with my mp3 with no distractions, other then the scenery. Which was half-clouded by a curtain of rain. Familiar poignant strums of a guitar accompanied by the violin. I usually skip old songs which are not currently on my “Kim’s Popular Hits of the Month” list, but I listened in to this one.

It was Michael John’s rendition of “Dream on”. Super powerful. Super nice song and arrangement. The song reached it’s climax: “Dream on. Dream on. Dream on” Johns went into falsetto. I remained stoned and more stoned then ever. What was there to dream on to in this fleeting life of mine?

As I reflect on how listening to that song felt, how empty I realized what I was working for is. I recall what I just read in Ecclesiastes today. It’s so weird, coz I almost skipped my QT today but realized 5 seconds later that “NO CANNOT I WILL DIE FROM HEART ATTACK IF I DON’T READ considering how kanchiong spider I’ve been getting and with my equity presentation today ALLL THE MORE I NEED THE PEACE OF GOOOOODDDDDDDD!!! Hah. You don’t fool me sinful nature. TAKE THAT!!” And although I’ve been reading 1 Kings, I skipped to Ecclesiastes today. “meaningless meaningless, everything is meaningless!” that line replays in my head. Again and again.

That was the 2^nd thing that got me down. And a seemingly source of angst today in the car as I mustered enough strength to tell my daddy mummy “I don’t know why I’m in law.” They’ve heard it so many times. I still feel that way, after so long.

-Last paragraphs taken out because it's far too personal-

I just wish i were a guy. I’ve always tended towards disliking being female – 2^nd class to the male species in all things knowledgeable and assertive. I’m a thinker. Not a feeler/nurturer. Which makes me 2^nd class of a 2^nd class since I do not fulfil a woman’s Basic Role. That’s pretty low class. And such a pain in the neck.

Also, i hate being as likable as decoration. It's disgusting. Makes me want to puke.

How’s that for an honest blog entry. So glad I’ve made my blog more private.

The Conspiracy

It was a dark, damp day, and the sky was overcast. One came from his home, a gloomy, clammy nest. Another, from his favourite place to scavenge on the newly dead bodies of his enemies. The Third, straight from the ministry. The last one, no one knew.

They scuttled as fast as they could, no one wanted to be late for the meeting. For all they knew, they might have to meet the Big One this evening.

Their meeting place was in the middle of a vast, crowded school. It was a secluded area, where few knew of its existence. Each had their own path to get there undetected. Almost. As the third one hastened to the room, he had to hurry past a hoard of people mingling. A loud, shrill scream pierced the air. And then darkness descended upon him, and he was suddenly no more.

The others knew nothing of the extinguishment of their brother's existence. They still scrambled, without pause, to where they were supposed to go. There were pressing matters to be discussed. The overthrowing of the anarchy that ruled them today. To increase the spread of the evil and darkness over those that had always dictated where they could live and what they could do. The brethren were no longer contented to live under the rules that were forced upon them today. They yearned to be free like their brothers of yore.

They met in the dingy room. A quick twitch of greeting. They had finally gathered again in front of the throne. The throne loomed before them, white and pristine. They bowed their heads low. A humility pressed upon their hearts before this majestic creature. They began to whisper in harsh voices about their imminent attack. They had failed the last time. Failure was no longer an option for them. It was either liberty, or death.

As the leader began to question the whereabouts of the fourth, their heart rates spiked. They wondered with dread, had he been caught, and would he cave in to the torture?

At that moment, a girl walked into their room. But all three of them, all still twitching, were engrossed in their agitation over the fourth's lack of presence. None of them noticed. The girl saw them. Her eyes widened in horror, and she was terrified. She stood on the spot, afraid that she would be noticed, then decided to take her chances and run out as fast as she could.

As her hair flew behind her as she bolted out of the room, her shoes squeaked on the hard floor, and it drew the attention of the Fourth. He saw her rush out, and he turned to the other two. "Never mind the Third. Someone's seen us now. We have to do something."

The First looked at the Second and the Fourth, "It is time. We will proceed. It is imperative that we conquer them before they know about the extent of our existence." He ordered the Fourth, "Contact the Big One now. Inform him." A distance away, they heard an ear-penetrating, shrill scream.

"It has begun," uttered the First.

Thus describes the day Cheryl saw 3 cockroaches in a toilet cubicle in school.

hello all!

i would like to submit the last 4 days of my life to Fail Blog.

1.

Friday - Sunday - >12hours on Equity Presentation, researching, reading a minimum of 4 textbooks, writing essay deep into the night, losing sleep.

Monday - Group mate calls. "Eh. don't need write essay for hypothetical question."

FAIL.

2.

Sunday - I wanted to eat my Crystal Jade multigrain biscuits (was thinking about it since the middle of FF until youth camp meeting) and work on my essay so i rushed home after the meeting. I sprinted a minimum of a 100m to the busstop (from church, around feifei to busstop) in order to catch the bus and nearly died after that. however, i resurrected myself when the bus reached because if i died there and den, i wouldn't get to eat my biscuits.

walkwalkwalk. sweat sweat sweat sweat. reach door. jialat. where's my key. papa and mama missing. call.

*papa picks up* "... ... ... hello?" *noise in the background*

they were at bball game. i blazed for a min or so in the humidity of the smelly staircase. resigned to my key-lessness. and went down to sit by the pond.

i stoned for a few mins before i started work.

wah this place is quite nice. i would never have come here if not for being locked out. =) *happier* and den i smelled it.

stepped on cat shit.

FAIL.

strangely calm, throughout all this.

i told desiree i would complain to her and her alone about my essay coz i didn't want to complain too much. but i guess i just had to do it again. my system needs to be purged and detoxed.

hellooooo all,

going out is NOT relaxing for me. i repeat, NOT RE LAX ING.

sometimes i have fun. (sometimes not) but u know why it's sooo not relaxing? coz long-term, i seriously burn out. i still need the same amount of time to do work. and den i sleep less. and den burn out.

that's all.

kthxbye!=D

helloooo everybody.

just here to say, i'm very happy with singlehood. like seriously, i'm not kidding. i can probably even live w/o getting married. no more worries about celibacy. such a switch of mindset but i'm serious!!

thank you.

thats all.

kthxbye!=D

Me: "oh i forgot to pray before i eat!"

Jeevan: "Su did you pray?"

Su: "Ya."

Jeevan: "Sure not. i never hear."

Su: "What, you want me to announce to everyone is it."

Jeevan: "i never see."

Indah: "Jeevan you never pray before?"

Jeevan: "No."

Indah: "So havoc ah."

funny bunch. i forgot to give this blog address to su. =X

i feel so tired at 11.44am in the morning.=(

these days, i have a lot of externally-imposed thoughts that make me wanna puke.

koreans have mid-autumn festival too! so, who started the Chang-E-rabbit-on-the-moon trend?

Chinese?

or Koreans? (Sun Ye (Girl in the Middle) is so cute here)

chicken and egg question. i'm hungry.

waaahhhhh SO EXCITING!!!! putting on my first face mask EVER!

this is how i look like!

glamorous, no?

i don't like it. when ppl. treat me like a. doll.

rag doll (to be thrown around).

paper doll (to be folded, cut and moulded into what u want).

porcelain doll (so fragile, she'll break).

doll for sale (an item to be bought, sold, exchanged, bargained for).

hence the blog address.=)

guys, don't treat girls, like dolls. unfortunately, the world treats girls like dolls. i perceive myself as a doll. i sometimes wish i were a boy.

as a friend, i've let u down. but u might not even know it.

i might keep doing it. as im not mature enough. to handle.

im sorry. time to start actively praying for this.

i know i have an essay to hand in tml. and i know i have sleep to chase and a flu to chase away. but i need. to. write. about...

THE HUMAN STAIN.

seriously. i love to hate this... THING. of sorts. The human stain (i'm not even going to call it by it's full name, i'm too unworthy, let's call it the Lambo) used to be one of my favourite Thing-Which-I-Don't-Even-Like (aka Cars, lets call it TWIDEL) alongside

it-which-must-not-be-named.

and the...

thing that could convert me into a lover of the TWIDEL. (refer above for meaning)

but i realized... 90.398% who drive the Human Stain are probably prats. Now, that's just an educated, angsty guess from a Smugger. But i would like to believe i'm right.

Today, as i sat on the marble chair below my favourite place in the whole wide world (Lee Ka Shing Library), i looked out into the dark sky, probably looking as if i was deep in deep thoughts but actually suffering conscious brain-death.

AND THEN... VROOOMMMM brrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Huh? Earthquake?

Ok lah i did not really think that. But coming to think of it, it really sounded like one. That flashy, yellow THING came edging into the car waiting area. it slowed down. it slotted into one of the carslots. it stopped.

but the noise never went away. BRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMM.

ok ok. we all know your a LAMBO already.

it went on and on and intensified the pounding noise already in my head. what is wrong with this guy???

Then i started to realize how ugly that TWIDEL really was. (thankfully jeff probably does not have my blog address not he'll probably scold me for dishonouring the TWIDEL) like yellow. flashy and oddly shaped. it was like a mutated banana.

i wasn't angry actually. but as i started thinking about how ugly it was, i started getting angrier. which is actually quite funny. i duno whether to continue angsting or to laugh.

prada. gucci. lambo. pors. ferra. whats with all these brand names? one part of me tells me it doesn't matter. another part of me tells me these are screaming out my lack of worthiness to be walking next to so-and-so.

that is the culture i live in. ew right.

disclaimer: these things do not really affect me that much until ei wAntZ tuu DiEx. i just felt like writing an angsty secular blog post.=) so don't worry about having to counsel me on materialism.

Typically, every semester, i would think i'm understanding better what i'm suppose to be doing in school. What law is about. How to study it.

Unfortunately i discover i'm wrong about 4 to 5 weeks in.

Even in my 3rd year, i still don't know what's going on. Am i even hardworking? My notes seem to be rather crappy sometimes and my Prof talks to me like i'm a down syndrome kid.

But praise the Lord. i have somewhere to go post-uni. my life has been gradually expanded out of academics. I'm learning how to unhinge my identity off what ppl think of me, what i'm doing, how i appear to others. Perhaps i've reached the ceiling of my capabilities. Perhaps this was not what is best for me.

perhaps.

perhaps.

but what a relief it is when i can stop storing up unhelpful pressure and release it all into His good hands. =)

my termly ritual of falling ill. so glad my immune system ingeniously broke down at a time when not much is required of me. HURRAH!

no time for heartbreak.

ahhah! i finally found a redemptive quality in the male species (HAHAHAHA! no lah im not really feminist). Succinctness. i APPROVE!!

so unfortunate. i'm smack in the middle of where i don't belong. T_T

I chose to stop listening and start watching to see things clearly.

Slowly, I stop reminiscing and start having courage, never looking back.

I'm not afraid of the winter outside, but i'm afraid of the dark autumn in my heart.

I love best the warmth in my heart, like that of the sun

Alone, i switch on the balcony light and open my window to look at the starry night.

Lightly, i switch off my handphone and on my music. Absolute freedom.

Time has stopped.

------------

时间停了歌词
面对面的笑脸 没说的感觉
肩并肩地行走 思绪分两边
爱从一个焦点 淡成一种疏远
无声转换季节
脱下了那么美 却磨脚的鞋
经过了红地毯 怀念起草原
真心不会落叶 真爱不会飘雪
向昨天挥别 前往明天
我选择关了耳朵开了眼睛去看透
默默关了想念开了勇气不回头
我不怕外面的寒冬却怕心里有深秋
最爱胸口阳光暖和
一个人关了台灯开了小窗看星空
轻轻关了手机开了音乐很自由
是什么遥远而微弱却还隐隐闪烁着
月光融了回忆来了 时间停了

save me.

Dear Kimberly Tan,

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BEG - Sound G the 3rd album

G-Dragon - Heartbreaker the 1st Album

4 minute - Muzik the 1st Mini-Album

HURRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! my life is now almost complete.=) (until jaebum returns)

*updated*

what i bought today! guessguess.

academic vanity!

My Materialist Checklist is fully ticked.=)

the joy of impromptu gatherings that i honestly want to go for.=)

you know, my mind and body can really tell when its a official holiday. i didn't feel like mugging today at all!

How ppl die in OT wars

there were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword.

The battle spread out over the whole countryside, and the forest claimed more lives that day than the sword

jialat man, the enemies. No matter how upgraded their strength, speed and agility is - no matter whether they are melee or magical or have the Orb of Fire or can call upon Rock Golems - they would still die by hailstones and forest anyway.

having human skills are not everything. i'm winning my battles.=)

my past self is such an interesting specimen. --> http://irulelalaland.blogspot.com

i sometimes feel like i rather hide my previous blog from the public, more than this one.

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails

Q: Why does life go on and on?

ANS: my life goes on and on for the future.

How?

By power and might, thats not my own.

my ego, paid me back double.

have u ever wondered, how does life keep going on and on?

i never wanted to be the boring one, but i am not happening. and thats a fact.

i always wanted to be the socially-acceptable one, but i'm not gentle, with skin as soft and white as milk. (although i fulfil the big eyes criteria, down pat... blppppllllpppllppp *charlie the unicorn tongue sound*) but i'm not.

i'm neither here. nor there.

the smallness of my life...

in comparison to?

Legend

Assets - Things that added energy

Liabilities - Things that brought me the breath of death

Owner's Equity - Owner's claim upon her status as a living being

FA - Owner's lover-enemy AKA. Financial Accounting

Happy Meal - Actual happy meal with a Butterfly Doraemon's

Girlfriend with Flipping Wings (i kid you not!)

Die. Balance sheet super unbalanced.

11 hours straight is 10 hours too many.

hellooooo stressed liao. im starting my term-ly ritual of blocking out time and cancelling activities. HIAHIAHOHOHEEEHEEEEEEEEE...

a new form of matyrdom

A celebrity...

A job where it's confirmed from the front, behind...and beside...

In front, they have fans who love them, and celebrities are smiling while watching those fans.

Behind them, there are several arrows flying at and piercing their backs.

Unintentionally, the flying arrows sometimes even pierce the fans that are in front.

On both sides, there are masses of people are watching over their front and back.

Even if their back becomes covered in blood from the arrows piercing from behind, they must smile for the sake of the fans that cheer them on and support them.

If they smile and work hard till the end, the public who's watching them on both sides will slowly move to the front.

However if they can't handle it, and if they're upsetted a little, (the public) moves to the back and even shoots arrows.

Celebrities don't know how many people are behind them, or what kind of people or what reason they have for shooting the arrows.

They're not allowed to turn around and find out either.

Because if they turn around, the fans in the front will become completely shocked when they see the arrows that pierced their back, and the moment they turn, their entire body will be struck with arrows...

No one knows what kind of people are shooting the arrows, what kind of expression they have, or what thoughts run through their minds as they shoot the arrows.

It's just that they simply enjoy the act itself, and they like it if new celebrities (especially ones with lots of past personal life) come out.

Celebrities...

They live on stage and die on the internet...a job where it's confirmed from front, back and side...

......that is a celebrity. - Eun Hyuk, Super Junior

and this comes with a story. that i really want to pen down here. and that has been bugging me for days on end.

----------------------
in others news, LKY is on twitter! HOW FUNNY!!!!!!!! --> http://twitter.com/realkuanyew

don't you think it's pretty irritating when someone asks you to "Chill" or "Chillax" or "Take a chill pill" or "Relax" (wah last one most irritating).

i think its coz ppl have been asking me to do that all my life.

and so. sometimes, i say it to others partially just to irritate them as well. kekeke.

i set up a blog again for honest thoughts and outpours. somehow, i always felt the pressure of being politically correct and spiritually-upright on a public blog. which is quite disgusting when its not genuine.

yup. so i was just reflecting on why must a christian's blog be so overly spiritual? i just wanna say what i wanna say. and unforunately, not all my thoughts are spiritual. However, something occurred to me while i was reading psalms 10. I could imagine the Papyrus in David's hands, scrawled with emotional outpours, complains, fluctuations in feelings and emotions, a little tear-stained and crumpled - an ancient blog. And he wasn't always being "upright" and spiritual. Some were really complains and rants, in a very poetic way. Of coz, he always ended of with praise to God. And i guess, thats how it should be not for the sake of being Correct and Upright, but because indeed, all the things we are suffering and struggling with are only temporal. In light of an eternal kingdom. it's meant to be a struggle and a tough one, not to the extent of being bad testimonies to others or discouraging. But as a personal reminder, hey, this life isn't that good after all.

still a long way off from that. i'm still gonna have random rants here and there for sure.=)

noisenoisenoise. the noisier it is, the hollower the insides.

perhaps it's draining me when i'm already so tired?=)

u gotta stop it, it's quite annoying.