FOP

went for festival of praise for the 1st time today. can't say i was very psyched about it coz concerts are generally thoroughly tiring for me. i was there for the people.

it was quite a gd experience though. some recaps.

the 1st group that came on was this clear-speaking dark-skinned foreigner with his posse of swaying, bubbly support singers. at first, i thought they hailed from south america. but on 2nd look - WOAH THEY WERE TAMIL!!! and they started singing a christian song, IN TAMIL! how awesome was that!!! the gospel making an impact on a ethnic group like the indians! i can't wait to see the day other ethnic groups will start having such activities as well. SO EXCITING!!!!! i tried my best to dance along with their bollywood style moves. such a cultural exchange.

planet shakers came on next. the lead guy's accent was a little hard to understand and the instruments were so loud i had to lipread him when he was singing between songs. i tried very hard to listen to the lyrics he was singing but honestly, with the gd music they produce, it was a little difficult after a period of time passed.

their enthusiasm for God, i definitely do not want to discount though. they have really given their lives to serving in this particular ministry and i think that is admirable! but i think i still struggle with the idea of Worship and Stage ministries. it's a personal struggle coz i can never pull myself 100% away from treating it was a performance and focusing primarily on God. i really dunno how ppl do it! "Beautiful Saviour" was thoroughly beautiful though. the song lyrics were a little more relevant and understandable so that was cool. moreover, the instruments cooled of a bit so i could focus more on the melody and lyrics.

don moen's voice is so ultra crystal clear. but wow, when he sang Still. my goodness, i broke into tears.

this was the song that carried me through JC.

and it just brought back past feelings. i felt like i relived my JC days through those songs. it triggered something off. no memories whatsoever flashed through my mind distinctively, but the song, alone, screamed aloud the darkness i went through in the core of my being in JC.

what more, i stood next to the girl who was going through a similar darkness now. i cried for me. i cried for her. i wish she would just Let Go and Let God instead of holding on to the bitter end.

soon after, the worship moved into prayer - offering - sermon. the sermon raised up so many questions marks in my head. it was a charismatic sermon. and for the 1st time, i found myself open-minded to the ideas. i wanted to understand the biblical basis for what these fervent christians believed in. i wanted to discover the chasm of truth between extremes. the healing ministry, the blessings of God... i don't think we can entirely discount these topics. the approach taken in preaching these msgs might have been wrong, but that doesn't mean they are completely fake. i'm gonna read up more on these.

and den don moen took the finale worship. and he ended with my all-time fave - God is Good. omo, i remember singing this for every worship session i led in Sec 2 coz i knew hardly any songs. HAHAHAA.

so that is it, a rare blog entry where i actually recount from head to toe what i saw/did. so boring. but at least i have my thoughts down!

restless, but it's time to sleep.

chicken and egg

u seriously look like him.

omo im really quite easily discouraged.

LOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDD HELP ME!!!

slacking is really an addiction.

i was down and out today due to my bruised tonsils and, man, did i slack. i couldn't even sit still to read a book properly for 15 mins.

and thats why, i cannot remain at home for long periods of time. NO DISCIPLINE WHATSOEVER!!

i write other things to distract me from what i really want to write, but can't

his eyes broke into a cautious smile when he saw me. he half stood up, with a stooped back to welcome me in.

i approached cautiously, knowing what i knew. i was glad my companion sat closer to him than i did. also, i was near the door. if he got violent, i could immediately siam.

"hi sir," my companion greeted him "we need to know some things from you."

he nodded, compliant and ready.

we started our amateur grilling. our questions unfocused, his answers and stories even more so.

the poor man kept focusing on the injustice done to him, his voice raising each time he recalled how the victim laid hands on him. this was not the first time he was accused of attacking someone and yet, was trying to claim the exact opposite.

the man was confused - his testimony was scanty, haphazard and misdirected. my companion looked at me - a light shake of the head. i looked away, puzzled.

he played up the injustice done to him. he adamantly denied he did anything alleged. he realled things that didn't seem to make sense. as a result, my companion, at the end of it was not convinced of his story. so was my supervisor.

but i believed him. or at least, the fact that he really thought this was what happened.

he was old, ridden with medical conditions (including brain damage), honest, ready and cooperative (albeit a little heated up).

my supervisor asked me to write a report turning him down.

i wrote a report accepting his application and handed it up to said supervisor.

i love my girls.

the woman

sacrificing, till it hurts, for some minute matter.

when she's not sacrificing, she controls every other minute matter.

scary.

Mr R

this teacher was also rude, coarse, rough and disgusting.

yet, this teacher cared.

but he seemed to care very selectively. And I, for one, was never in his selection. And i wondered why.

I was not cool enough. that i understood.

But i was "Christian" enough wasn't I? Now, let me explain.

This rude and coarse teacher, was also very on fire for God. everyone knew it. He didn't preach. He didn't act high and mighty. But we all knew he loved God. Coz when he does mention God, it's always with conviction and wisdom. And of coz, we all knew he loved us as a cca group and the students he was close to.

I was him tonight again. at a gathering. the first thing he asked me was whether i was still going to church. The instinctive Christian pretence of yesteryears came up and infected my true-hearted fervency -

"of course! it's important, you know?" i retorted.

such a proud little christian girl, indignant, not unlike the disciples in their worse of times.

he talked nonsense most of the way again, not paying particular attention to me.

and den, before i left, he grabbed my hand in a handshake, placed his other hand over mine and said: "Remember this, you are a blessing to those around you. keep it up."

wow. that really strikes me in retrospect. at that moment, i was awkward at his sudden seriousness and genuineness and could only verbalize as such - "errrr suddenly so serious."

but thinking about it now, i feel like something moved in me when he said that which such firmness. he meant it. and he said it with conviction.

yet another encouragement from the Lord.

yet another angel from the Lord.

my 2nd biggest fear now is that one day, i would no longer like the song in the previous blog post.

(my biggest fear is that i'll fail BTT tml T_T)

u know i won't anyhow say a song is epic right?

THIS IS EPIC!!!

and it's not even korean!

heard my highly talented colleague sing it at $10 Chinatown Karaoke tonight (such a cheesy place, it was!). she sang EXACTLY like the original. perhaps even better. amazing. this is the first time in the whole glorious history of my karaoke escapades that i wanted the whole room to shut up so i could listen to the mic-holder sing the song while closing my eyes.

and the words are sooo pretttyyy....

wow. it would be a dream to write songs like these. it makes me dreamy and distracted. im transported to some snowfield - me alone, but not feeling lonely at all.

i have all my dreams laid out around me on that snow field and the sun smiling down on my dreams and bringing it to light. it shines. and i squint. i can't open my eyes. but i can feel the warmth of the rays.

the rays are so bright and so real - they envelope me, and raise me up. i realize the rays feel like arms.

they are arms. bringing me up.

up.

up.

my eyes remain close. and i feel my whole being enveloped in the chest of another. i break down into tears and cry all the tears i ever held back. and the tears i didn't. they flow and flow.

i become drenched in my own tears. but the being holding me feels dry. the tears don't seem to drench him. i can open my eyes. but i can't see whose holding me. my tears blur my vision. i'm scared coz i can't see. i clutch with my fists where it rests. i'm scared he'll stop holding me.

don't stop holding me. i'm only a child. i need u.

the Lord has been preparing me for difficulty. a unique difficulty. if i told u the minuteness of the problem i have, u will laugh. or at least secretly think... "huhhh". or at least i think u'll laugh. but the Lord knows me. He made me this way. Even if it wasn't his original design He knew i'll turn out this way anyway.

but the focus isn't on the difficulty (which i wun say here coz it's not convenient) but on the preparation. this God ah, is quite fantastic. he reveals things in perfect succession. and if i'm intune enough, i actually pick up on these, lock in my heart, and realize his master planning later on.

"Suffering" was already a theme on my mind the past week or 2, with specific reference to being a christian walking right with the Lord. of course, this was inter alia other scary and exciting encounters/revelations.

and so i was ready for it. or at least i had the resources to actually be prepared but didn't realize they wer resources post-crisis. well, at least this time i actually came to the realization had resources! i'm getting better at this! =)

u know, i feel like bursting. i want to do so much for God asap. and den, the bursting immediately subsides when u replace my mind with something like work. I'm such a Man. i have a single-track mind. i await the day when that single-track mind never changes.

how am i suppose to be a Lawyer yet root my life in you Lord? How??? pls quickly show me. prepare me in this last year before i'm thrown out there. i'm not scared of them any longer Lord. but i'm afraid i'll drift. =( helllppppppp brace me up now!!! give me the resources AND the foresight!!

im not really concentrating as i write this coz it's a jumble of thoughts from the preceding days and weeks mashed together, spread on top of casual kpop music listening at the hour of 2.36am.

so, byebye. i miss u blog.

PET PEEVE NO. 1

no bitch wars plsss.

locker room talk

"you know, there's like this guy from ___________. remember him?"

"ohhhh, that one! he's quite cute!"

"ya, i know, right? like, so cute! he came and sat right next to me okay!"

"huhhhh reaaalllllllllyyyyyyyyy"

"YAAAA!!! i was like, so happy lorh!"

"yaaaaa"

-----------------------------------

"she's like, so irritating can"

-----------------------------------

A: "you know toy story 3? have u watched it?"

B: "no i haven't"

A: "its like, so sad."

C: "YA! i kept crying when i watched it."

A: "YA she kept crying! den at the parts that i thought were touching, she didn't cry. but at other times she was crying all the way."

*giggles giggles*

who would have known canoeist girls would talk like that.