egg-sauce-dirt.

i've started getting acquainted with the house. i greet it out loud everytime i enter. hopefully, we getto know one another better and become close friends. i currently dun trust the toilet.

greetings from justin's ex-room. i see remnants of an undying love for Disney plastered on the faded cupboards.

I"M STARVINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. ah Huis. Why your house no food.

how come i feel more energized sleeping less than 6 hours a day with a coffee first thing i the early morning (and by that i mean 8am) as compaed to sleeping ~ 7 hours with a coffee later on?

addicted.

huh? no. nono.

clearing out the fridge is quite fun.

I came across some Nutty Bars from Royce, imported from Japan and was DELIGHTED!

080908.

With a shrug, i tore the wrapper open. After all, numbers are just numbers. i never believed in expiry dates.

10 neatly wrapped rectangular bars in yellow wrapping paper. Oh so pretty. and such a nice good size!

taking one, i ripped the cover off. Hmmm... this chocolate looks weird. like it's been in the fridge too long (which it has).

with a shrug, i went to the sink and bit in. After all, looks are just looks. i never believed in looking and judging things on th surface.

CRAP. inside was all mould.

Hence, moral of the story is: 2 years pass expiry date, food can no longer be eaten. but i think, 1 year pass expiry date and below, still can.=)

i feel an obsession itch coming on. scratch scratch. it's DBSK all over again.

it always happens when im getting too busy and bored and burnt with what i'm busy with.

byebye Best Law Student for Financial Accounting award!

whatever. begone. *flicks hand*

i don't like parties.=( not even my own.

family things, should be kept within the family. don't you think?

as much as i am not a proponent of "Asian Values", i kinda adhere to this belief.

should we, be kind to telemarketers. or wary.

i got such KIND grp mates!!! i ponned financial accounting today to work on Conflicts of Law research paper and you know what my group did???

You know what they DID!

they did the pop quiz in class for me and wrote down my name for submission.

Questionably unethical but I AM SO TOUCHED!!!!!

my God is amazing

i asked for a Kallang home close to the MRT knowing it was almost impossible to get one at a good price. He gave it.

my ah ma will come to know Christ. i know it.

The anticipation. Of checking my essay grade.

smart friend: “You know my essay, I did it the night before it was due. And it’s damn funny lah. I checked my grade and it was an A-. So I was telling my friend how no need to do numerous drafts also can get A-.”

I didn’t do numerous drafts. But I spent hours on it.

Would it be 60+? 70+? 90+?

The voice that used to convince me I would get an A has softened quite abit in university.

It has started occurring to me how doing well is really not the be all and end all. Afterall, I don’t want to be top shot lawyer or earn big bucks. And it helps that I don’t have these goals. Because then my want for gd grades has no rational “end goal”

Yet. Old habits die hard.

And as I try to access the system. I pray. I have another paper due on Friday. I don’t want to be discouraged. Here goes.

things i think about when studying

what would it take to make an asian have naturally red hair?

Chinese Person posted on discovervancouver.com/forum -

"I am Chinese, so I have black hair. I found like 5 Reddish orange hair on my head, and I didn't dye my hair. Is this normal?"

Replies he got -

"Bird Flu!"

"Dutch Ancestor!"

"Protein or Iron problem!"

i was thinking... a parent on each side with a recessive gene - Redhead.

katy perry and zooey deschanel!

MY kind of girls! how do u maintain that kind of hair? I really want that LOONNNGGGGG HAAAAAIIIIIIRR. It'll be 1 of the 2 things i love. The 2nd thing i'll love is how easily i could cut my hair off, and not feel a thing.

I love summer. I love her long brown hair.

I hate summer. I hate her 60s hairstyle.

I’m going to write an unadulterated blog entry today. Warning: r21 themes and never-before-revealed secrets ahead. Don’t read if you’re scared.

I’m not kidding. This is not a funny entry.=)

2 things have gotten me down in these 2 days. The first thing that I would talk about (which triggered off this idea of a blog entry actually!) would be my friend’s comment: “Your eyes are big, but not pretty.”

Slight perturbness there. The simple reason being, I think my eyes are pretty. I’ve been taught to think my eyes are pretty.

And this is the 1^st secret revelation today. I think I’m pretty. Now, I would imagine a series of expressions to that serious statement up there. I’m being honest, in no way is this a female version of the Jon-ma-I’m-so-hansum joke. But it’s alright, I understand your reaction. And thankfully, I don’t need to see it. I just plead that the readers of my blog are good friends whom I can trust not to judge me before they read the following few paragraphs.

And so I continue.

Underlying the content of my secret, is a problem. I ache when my prettiness is not recognized. And I can finally be honest about that, because the ache has lessened in recent years. But it hasn’t gone away.

In fact, I ache when a lot of things I assumed about myself, in all my pride, are not recognized about me. More so, when it’s proven I have assumed wrong. Firstly, I’m not that intelligent. A clear fact in law school, I can tell you. Very clear. Not just by my grades, by my general standard of thinking. Secondly, I’m not always right. HAHA clearly. But these things have lessened as well.

However, after a burning week of hard work and little sleep, these thoughts come back to me. I re-visit my inadequacies. I lose focus. I forget why I’m working so hard. I forget what I’m working for. In fact, if you ask me now, I can give you the textbook answer but still be living in a state of memory-loss.

So now, to tie both of my Kryptonites up, herein lies a paradox. I love being recognized as pretty, but I hate and look down on that side of me. Pretty vessels with no substance are not worthy of respect. And hence, I look down on good-looking people. I tend towards people of talent and intelligence. I might like goodlooking ppl, but I often find it hard to respect them. In fact, the people I find really attractive in appearance are often not the most goodlooking people. I can’t explain my barometer for attraction. Their personality just seems to radiate out of their pores to make them LOOK (and not just SEEM) very very goodlooking. I won’t name names coz after that, you’ll feel sian, since it seems like I’m saying you’re not truly, naturally goodlooking.

This now branches out to 2 different parts of this essay. I shall touch on the less provocative one first.

The 2^nd thing that got me down, was a busride in the rain to school. It was one of the rare moments where I had time alone with my mp3 with no distractions, other then the scenery. Which was half-clouded by a curtain of rain. Familiar poignant strums of a guitar accompanied by the violin. I usually skip old songs which are not currently on my “Kim’s Popular Hits of the Month” list, but I listened in to this one.

It was Michael John’s rendition of “Dream on”. Super powerful. Super nice song and arrangement. The song reached it’s climax: “Dream on. Dream on. Dream on” Johns went into falsetto. I remained stoned and more stoned then ever. What was there to dream on to in this fleeting life of mine?

As I reflect on how listening to that song felt, how empty I realized what I was working for is. I recall what I just read in Ecclesiastes today. It’s so weird, coz I almost skipped my QT today but realized 5 seconds later that “NO CANNOT I WILL DIE FROM HEART ATTACK IF I DON’T READ considering how kanchiong spider I’ve been getting and with my equity presentation today ALLL THE MORE I NEED THE PEACE OF GOOOOODDDDDDDD!!! Hah. You don’t fool me sinful nature. TAKE THAT!!” And although I’ve been reading 1 Kings, I skipped to Ecclesiastes today. “meaningless meaningless, everything is meaningless!” that line replays in my head. Again and again.

That was the 2^nd thing that got me down. And a seemingly source of angst today in the car as I mustered enough strength to tell my daddy mummy “I don’t know why I’m in law.” They’ve heard it so many times. I still feel that way, after so long.

-Last paragraphs taken out because it's far too personal-

I just wish i were a guy. I’ve always tended towards disliking being female – 2^nd class to the male species in all things knowledgeable and assertive. I’m a thinker. Not a feeler/nurturer. Which makes me 2^nd class of a 2^nd class since I do not fulfil a woman’s Basic Role. That’s pretty low class. And such a pain in the neck.

Also, i hate being as likable as decoration. It's disgusting. Makes me want to puke.

How’s that for an honest blog entry. So glad I’ve made my blog more private.

The Conspiracy

It was a dark, damp day, and the sky was overcast. One came from his home, a gloomy, clammy nest. Another, from his favourite place to scavenge on the newly dead bodies of his enemies. The Third, straight from the ministry. The last one, no one knew.

They scuttled as fast as they could, no one wanted to be late for the meeting. For all they knew, they might have to meet the Big One this evening.

Their meeting place was in the middle of a vast, crowded school. It was a secluded area, where few knew of its existence. Each had their own path to get there undetected. Almost. As the third one hastened to the room, he had to hurry past a hoard of people mingling. A loud, shrill scream pierced the air. And then darkness descended upon him, and he was suddenly no more.

The others knew nothing of the extinguishment of their brother's existence. They still scrambled, without pause, to where they were supposed to go. There were pressing matters to be discussed. The overthrowing of the anarchy that ruled them today. To increase the spread of the evil and darkness over those that had always dictated where they could live and what they could do. The brethren were no longer contented to live under the rules that were forced upon them today. They yearned to be free like their brothers of yore.

They met in the dingy room. A quick twitch of greeting. They had finally gathered again in front of the throne. The throne loomed before them, white and pristine. They bowed their heads low. A humility pressed upon their hearts before this majestic creature. They began to whisper in harsh voices about their imminent attack. They had failed the last time. Failure was no longer an option for them. It was either liberty, or death.

As the leader began to question the whereabouts of the fourth, their heart rates spiked. They wondered with dread, had he been caught, and would he cave in to the torture?

At that moment, a girl walked into their room. But all three of them, all still twitching, were engrossed in their agitation over the fourth's lack of presence. None of them noticed. The girl saw them. Her eyes widened in horror, and she was terrified. She stood on the spot, afraid that she would be noticed, then decided to take her chances and run out as fast as she could.

As her hair flew behind her as she bolted out of the room, her shoes squeaked on the hard floor, and it drew the attention of the Fourth. He saw her rush out, and he turned to the other two. "Never mind the Third. Someone's seen us now. We have to do something."

The First looked at the Second and the Fourth, "It is time. We will proceed. It is imperative that we conquer them before they know about the extent of our existence." He ordered the Fourth, "Contact the Big One now. Inform him." A distance away, they heard an ear-penetrating, shrill scream.

"It has begun," uttered the First.

Thus describes the day Cheryl saw 3 cockroaches in a toilet cubicle in school.

hello all!

i would like to submit the last 4 days of my life to Fail Blog.

1.

Friday - Sunday - >12hours on Equity Presentation, researching, reading a minimum of 4 textbooks, writing essay deep into the night, losing sleep.

Monday - Group mate calls. "Eh. don't need write essay for hypothetical question."

FAIL.

2.

Sunday - I wanted to eat my Crystal Jade multigrain biscuits (was thinking about it since the middle of FF until youth camp meeting) and work on my essay so i rushed home after the meeting. I sprinted a minimum of a 100m to the busstop (from church, around feifei to busstop) in order to catch the bus and nearly died after that. however, i resurrected myself when the bus reached because if i died there and den, i wouldn't get to eat my biscuits.

walkwalkwalk. sweat sweat sweat sweat. reach door. jialat. where's my key. papa and mama missing. call.

*papa picks up* "... ... ... hello?" *noise in the background*

they were at bball game. i blazed for a min or so in the humidity of the smelly staircase. resigned to my key-lessness. and went down to sit by the pond.

i stoned for a few mins before i started work.

wah this place is quite nice. i would never have come here if not for being locked out. =) *happier* and den i smelled it.

stepped on cat shit.

FAIL.

strangely calm, throughout all this.

i told desiree i would complain to her and her alone about my essay coz i didn't want to complain too much. but i guess i just had to do it again. my system needs to be purged and detoxed.

hellooooo all,

going out is NOT relaxing for me. i repeat, NOT RE LAX ING.

sometimes i have fun. (sometimes not) but u know why it's sooo not relaxing? coz long-term, i seriously burn out. i still need the same amount of time to do work. and den i sleep less. and den burn out.

that's all.

kthxbye!=D

helloooo everybody.

just here to say, i'm very happy with singlehood. like seriously, i'm not kidding. i can probably even live w/o getting married. no more worries about celibacy. such a switch of mindset but i'm serious!!

thank you.

thats all.

kthxbye!=D

Me: "oh i forgot to pray before i eat!"

Jeevan: "Su did you pray?"

Su: "Ya."

Jeevan: "Sure not. i never hear."

Su: "What, you want me to announce to everyone is it."

Jeevan: "i never see."

Indah: "Jeevan you never pray before?"

Jeevan: "No."

Indah: "So havoc ah."

funny bunch. i forgot to give this blog address to su. =X

i feel so tired at 11.44am in the morning.=(

these days, i have a lot of externally-imposed thoughts that make me wanna puke.

koreans have mid-autumn festival too! so, who started the Chang-E-rabbit-on-the-moon trend?

Chinese?

or Koreans? (Sun Ye (Girl in the Middle) is so cute here)

chicken and egg question. i'm hungry.

waaahhhhh SO EXCITING!!!! putting on my first face mask EVER!

this is how i look like!

glamorous, no?

i don't like it. when ppl. treat me like a. doll.

rag doll (to be thrown around).

paper doll (to be folded, cut and moulded into what u want).

porcelain doll (so fragile, she'll break).

doll for sale (an item to be bought, sold, exchanged, bargained for).

hence the blog address.=)

guys, don't treat girls, like dolls. unfortunately, the world treats girls like dolls. i perceive myself as a doll. i sometimes wish i were a boy.

as a friend, i've let u down. but u might not even know it.

i might keep doing it. as im not mature enough. to handle.

im sorry. time to start actively praying for this.

i know i have an essay to hand in tml. and i know i have sleep to chase and a flu to chase away. but i need. to. write. about...

THE HUMAN STAIN.

seriously. i love to hate this... THING. of sorts. The human stain (i'm not even going to call it by it's full name, i'm too unworthy, let's call it the Lambo) used to be one of my favourite Thing-Which-I-Don't-Even-Like (aka Cars, lets call it TWIDEL) alongside

it-which-must-not-be-named.

and the...

thing that could convert me into a lover of the TWIDEL. (refer above for meaning)

but i realized... 90.398% who drive the Human Stain are probably prats. Now, that's just an educated, angsty guess from a Smugger. But i would like to believe i'm right.

Today, as i sat on the marble chair below my favourite place in the whole wide world (Lee Ka Shing Library), i looked out into the dark sky, probably looking as if i was deep in deep thoughts but actually suffering conscious brain-death.

AND THEN... VROOOMMMM brrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Huh? Earthquake?

Ok lah i did not really think that. But coming to think of it, it really sounded like one. That flashy, yellow THING came edging into the car waiting area. it slowed down. it slotted into one of the carslots. it stopped.

but the noise never went away. BRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMM.

ok ok. we all know your a LAMBO already.

it went on and on and intensified the pounding noise already in my head. what is wrong with this guy???

Then i started to realize how ugly that TWIDEL really was. (thankfully jeff probably does not have my blog address not he'll probably scold me for dishonouring the TWIDEL) like yellow. flashy and oddly shaped. it was like a mutated banana.

i wasn't angry actually. but as i started thinking about how ugly it was, i started getting angrier. which is actually quite funny. i duno whether to continue angsting or to laugh.

prada. gucci. lambo. pors. ferra. whats with all these brand names? one part of me tells me it doesn't matter. another part of me tells me these are screaming out my lack of worthiness to be walking next to so-and-so.

that is the culture i live in. ew right.

disclaimer: these things do not really affect me that much until ei wAntZ tuu DiEx. i just felt like writing an angsty secular blog post.=) so don't worry about having to counsel me on materialism.

Typically, every semester, i would think i'm understanding better what i'm suppose to be doing in school. What law is about. How to study it.

Unfortunately i discover i'm wrong about 4 to 5 weeks in.

Even in my 3rd year, i still don't know what's going on. Am i even hardworking? My notes seem to be rather crappy sometimes and my Prof talks to me like i'm a down syndrome kid.

But praise the Lord. i have somewhere to go post-uni. my life has been gradually expanded out of academics. I'm learning how to unhinge my identity off what ppl think of me, what i'm doing, how i appear to others. Perhaps i've reached the ceiling of my capabilities. Perhaps this was not what is best for me.

perhaps.

perhaps.

but what a relief it is when i can stop storing up unhelpful pressure and release it all into His good hands. =)