sometimes i wish i was okay with being a bitch.

then i can tear you to pieces without feeling anything.

then i can shield my heart from thoughtless spears thrown my way.

then i can not bother what u think about me, because i already know.

but that would be very selfish wouldn't it.

these days, i love doing mundane stuff like bathing and sleeping.

i'm aging. =(

Hey, Girl

you don't know me well. i met you only twice. but u've been crossing my mind.

have u ever felt like u so want to do something for someone who is hurting, but there's nothing you can do to help except watch and pray?

i'm praying for you.

scared. of falling.

i'm so stressed out over ccis dance. really i am.

i'm like fighting fire. no place to practice. no confirmed date, time or stage even. missing ppl from dance practices. time evaporating into thin air.

all my concerns are in the small little things. and i'm driving myself nuts over it.

and as i pray. and as my mind jumps here and there. I hear my Lord telling me to just fix my eyes on the goal.

I want to share my faith. And i want my team to catch that vision.

That's all i need concern myself with. God is my provider and He'll provide the rest.

I feel like i'm constantly falling. But i'm falling into grace.

i'm scared, Lord.

that i can't do all that You want me to.

or is it all that i think You want me to.

u wouldn't believe what i've spent an hour doing.

watching nsync.

this is a terrible waste of time.

aren't they the coolest though???? i still totally dig that dance!!!!

i really wanted to post this on my facebk. but i was so worried about being judged by my highflying friend from part b. =(

i want a burger.

i think it's just a little bit weird,

that i'm always a little bit too drained after Sunday passes by.

CCIS DANCE IS STARTING

i'm absolutely eggscited all over again!!!!

Now, if only my health could keep up.

i love meeting new ppl.

yet, i fear meeting new ppl. esp those who are older. or very zai.

My life is a like a fleeting dream.

Little events.

No.

Significant events.

Pop up.

And then,

Your life is no longer the same colour.

Your glasses are no longer the same degree.

Your camera no longer points at the same angle.

The weather feels different. Your skin clings to you in a different way.

You are the same. Yet you are now completely different.

Why is that so?

undeserved

eye to eye.

i couldn't look.

i couldn't speak.

i choked. emotionally, more than physically.

the words spilled out clumsily like coffee on a shaking table.

they were strung together in all the wrong ways.

i wanted to repeat what i said to clarify and make clear what i meant. to justify myself. to patch the wound my words were re-opening and inflicting at the same time.

yet i wanted to shut myself up. to take it all back.

to stop and forget.

and yet, i never found the rejection i so feared.

i found grace - a display of God's grace, so deep and so healing.

i had advocacy training 2 days ago

Boy, was it fun.

I got to be a lawyer, with little responsibility.

Making arguments in court.

Cross-examining witnesses.

Even, being a difficult witness.

Very glam. With little sweat.

But i realized, i just can't be bitchy enough.

thank God. What a good problem to have.

Reconciliation

"Ok, Team A, change over."

It was my turn to take the stage. I grabbed my notes and walked from my seat to the raised platform infront. And sat down across my opponent.

And i said something silly.

I saw my tutor and my classmates laugh at me.

And i saw my opponent smile a big wide smile at me. Deep dimples formed in his cheeks. His eyes twinkling. He was amused. He didn't tsk me or shoot an elitist death stare.

And i smiled sheepishly back and laugh out loud.

3 years ago, i would never have imagined me, sitting across him, laughing.

I'm no longer quite so sure he's a Bad Boy.

what more can we do

my doorbell rings.

a middle-aged man in a red checkered shirt that looks like a table cloth, with a brown shopping bag, stands at the door.

"errhhh... hello. i'm selling air freshener. very good...."

"sorry, we don't use these kind of things."

"it's very very good. can use in your house, your car, for your clothes... you see ah... i have stroke."

he lifts up his limp right arm that looks rubbery and lifeless.

i see a train of saliva drip from his lips onto my door mat.

"ok wait ah." i said.

i walked to my room. and i thought to myself. what if this guy is a cheat? can't he get some other job?

and then i decided in an instance, i'll rather be swindled than risk not supporting what could be his only viable and foreseeable means of livelihood.

and so i bought 2 air fresheners for $5 each which i would never use. (i hate air fresheners, esp lemon, and in cars.)

but then it got me thinking. was what i did the best i could do for him?

pardon my language but.... i am working my ass off.

yet, i'm having the time of my life.=)

i have a semi-serious bout of Monday Blues.

I wonder if it's because i talked to Bad Boy.

I wonder if it's because for no rhyme or reason, Weird Dude just doesn't like me. And expressed it quite explicitly today.

I wonder if it's because i was insulted by you without you even knowing it.

I wonder if it's because I have quite abit of work to do.

I need an escape tonight. Lord?

guys. i'm through with Mystery.

it's not easy... to be Nameless. a captial "I" gets in the way.

you know, at the end of it all, i do think the ppl i've met in smu law are quite nice.

they can be a little clique-ish, but... they are willing to accept the PMS-y peeps (a dude, no less) and certain strange annoying people.

they can be a little bitchy, but... thats only a small grp. and even some in that small grp are so much more than bitchy people. and they can be very lovely.

some of them look quite good, but... that doesn't mean they are bitchy.

some are really serious and intense when in class, but... they can be such a delightful child out of it.

i wish... i so so wish. i had given them... given myself a chance, back in year 1.

law is not and will never be on my top 20 favourites list. but the overall experience wasn't so bad after all.=)

Hello peeps. i'm back! and i would love to say i'm back a changed girl. BUT im slowly sinking back into my old mundane, nua days. terrible terrible.

fortunately today is a saturday. And my saturdays and sundays are always holy days because of the number of church activities going on HAHA. so i'm fuelled, excited and ready to go. hopefully this carries out on normal weekdays.

I HAVE SO MANY PPL TO CATCH UP WITH. I MISS U GUYS LOADS. ANDERS. JOYCE. LOUELLE. AMANDA. DESIREE. DAWN. GODMA. MELISSA. BECKS. ADORA. MYRA. LINDY. YOU. YOU. AND YOU.

i was such a pretty child in my early uni days.

sigh.

I'M BACK FROM AUSSIE!=D

gday mate

if i haven;t said it, and u have no idea yet...

I'm in Australia.

For a month.

And i will NOT be blogging here during this time (most probably).

But i'll be blogging here - http://chumchukimchi.blogspot.com/ .

TOODLES.

A Supernatural Love

It’s been a while since I’ve heard the Lord’s whisper.

It came through vividly on Monday, though I’m sure there were incidences leading up to it…

About, redemption. All souls can be redeemed, no matter how terrible that soul is, no matter how long it takes. All souls can be redeemed.

I was chatting with Chris on Monday about my involvement in youth ministry when it first started and I asked her a very poignant question: “Did you ever give up on me, Chris?”

“Yes.” she answered rather straight-forwardly. She was grinning. But Chris always grins.

“I thought you were CMI. I even talked to Pastor about it. But he didn’t reply me. And so I thought, hmm… ya, I shall not give up on her. So, I learnt not to give up so easily on people.”

At night, I met a good friend I have great respect for and yet, who I once thought was impossible to befriend. She shared a little about how she terrible she used to be before and it was shocking how huge a transformation she has actually underwent. Because before me, I saw a holy woman of the Lord who was a great example and role model for me. Not the little brat she had described herself to be a few years ago.

And the whispers continue.

A million of thoughts flooded my head, or rather, a million of names flooded my head. A youth who didn’t seem to bother being a good testimony. Party animal youths. Apathetic youths. “Smoky” youths and friends.

They can all be saved. When God personally beckons and calls, it is irresistible.

And then, I felt tears well up as I realized how God had personally called me. Me, the most wretched of all people. A girl who cares only for her own image and popularity. A girl who assumes the world revolves around her. A girl who uses people, even the people who love her and whom she loves. A girl who was so self-absorbed, she was going out of her mind. A girl with a horrible personality. A girl who hated herself. A terrible girl. A girl like me.

Yet my God loves me so. He has called me in His own good timing to start the journey of being made anew. Like a magic trick, he is turning my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. He is transforming my self-centered mind into a mind that actually has place to remember names and things that have no direct bearing on my own well-being. I never found it possible to spend time with people just hearing them out (unless I liked them enough to make them want to like me by doing so). Yet now, I’m learning to. I never found it realistic to be happy in youth ministry. Yet now, I am.

I’ve been thinking about my attitudes towards my friends… A judgmental spirit often possesses my thoughts, mentally shutting the door of salvation to this group of people whom I have labeled as immature, blind and hopeless in my most honest of moments.

Yet now I realize, I am no different from them. And God can redeem them as well. And I want to be His chosen channel to shout this out to them – to shout out “God loves you very much and you’re absolutely precious to Him! Won’t you consider giving your time and your attention to Him? Won’t you consider building a relationship with Him?”

Be gone judgmental spirit.

I’ve been enjoying my time so much with some of the people I never once could enjoy myself with because I just couldn’t understand them. I still can’t understand them. Sometimes, I even get irritated with them or have conflicts with them. And yet, I now love them. It’s a supernatural love working in me. A love I have received, I now can give.

I love you, my Lord and my Saviour. Won’t you allow Him to love you too?

my biggest achievements in life

1. Choreographing my jc couplr dance.

2. Digging out the innards of a chicken.

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while searching for BS material, i came across the side love story for Boys Over Flowers in written form. And i read the whole thing.

http://dangermousie.livejournal.com/1881473.html

I think the things i come across while prepping BS are quite awesome. I should start posting it up

i think my secret ambition is to be a super hero

about a week and a half ago, i dreamt i was in pyongyang on a school trip.

My team and i (who were strangely the girls from my church youth) were staying in a bare room with just plain floor mattresses in a building that looked very much like the Ho Chi Minh Courts (minus the garish yellow colour).

Apparently, some great injustice was being committed within the labyrinths of this mysterious government building we were being housed in and it was up to us to save the day.

We decided to wait till late at night before we attempted going out and infiltrating the system. There was a curfew in Pyongyang and we were not allowed out after night fall. (im amazed at how accurate the facts in my dreams are) We did not have weapons.

But then again, the Wise Man had told us: "You have all the weapons you need. Now fight."

So we heeded. Somehow, i knew how to engage in combat in my dreams, i think. however, even in my dream, i remained hesitant over my abilities and aware that i had never fought before. i was scared like mad.

And so, we snuck out. And crap, we bumped into a government official.

But no worries, he was someone we had talked to before. so we invited him for a drink. he got drunk. we left him on the mattress in our room and continued our quest.

i never saw what we were looking for. i woke up before that. and before i could put my combat skills to good use.

----------------------------------------------

about a week back, i dreamt that 3 of the coolest new friends i've made formed a team. We had the relaxed and laidback attitude of friends so close and individual so sure of themselves. Im not sure what type of team we were but i just knew we were a team that helped out with rescue missions. we were not rookies.

our next mission was a sea mission. i think it was to kill a mermaid or something. we did it successfully.

her mother/boss/guardian was not pleased. her guardian was a very powerful witch. and she came to seek revenge.

so while my friends and i were hanging out in our rather posh but slightly old looking headquarters, she made her appearance.

i forgot how she appeared. but all 4 of us knew she was here. and after us. so we went out to confront her.

but we underestimated her power. and for some reason, she chose to come after me. my friends chased behind her, trying to save me, but i soon lost sight of them.

So i ran for dear life, with my wand in hand. once again, i was well aware that i could not recall any spells and that i hardly knew how to use the wand or do magic. my relaxed attitude completely dissipated when i became the hunted and my fear grew as i ran. using my wand and my zilch knowledge of magic to out run the witch.

i'm think i created fire at some point of time. i'm very sure i flew, at some point of time, hoping to lose her. (wingardium leviosa, perhaps?)

and den i awoke, again.

----------------------------------------

i love my dreams so much.

i punched myself in the tummy while trying to open something up. very pain. =(

why did dbsk break up. why why why.

4 ppl walk on a dark, lonely road. Down hill.

A shadow fleets pass the street lamp.

Jeff: "MOTH!"

Desiree: "ehh... don't say..."

Kim: "HAHA! Scare you. I'll make the sound of moths flying. *shhhhhh*"

Jeff makes a butterfly with his hands and goes close to Des and says: "Fluffer. Fluffer. Fluff fluff."

Hilarious like mad, when you watch him doing it.

--------------------------

An sms came in 10 mins ago from my mommy thanking me for my mother's day gift.

My mom is currently in the room next to mine. Apparently, she's practising her sms-ing skills.

Im sitting now in a cafe with a friend, reading a book. And i can barely keep my eyes open for 10mins. Super lao ya pok.

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MM Lee just always speaks more sense.


Can we afford the risk of a messier, more idealistic and less experienced leadership just for the sake of giving the ruling party a wake-up call?

i just watched Up. i could cry forever.

every perceived unlovable person,

has something lovable inside of them,

waiting to be discovered.

the most lovable person,

can be unlovable at times,

waiting to be revealed.

the most amazing lent ever

Day 1 - Meet and greet and discuss.

Day 2 - Persecution by a close friend and Reconcilation with an enemy. Testimonies thrown all around. Witnessing the gospel shared openly among my friends.

Day 3 - Prayer fellowship with ppl i've studied with for 4 years but only mostly talked to during this trip. A partnership with a godly sister. A vision for law school to all worship the Lord together.

Day 4 - Putting my love to the test.

Day 5 - who knows?

i've never expected my Law Study Mission to be this amazing. Tomorrow, a big group of us (including the cool kids who party and smoke) are going for Easter celebrations at Notre Dame together.

And all this is happening in a country where there is much religious suppression.

God is moving so powerfully, it's amazing.

VIETNAM DAY 2

XINCHAO!

Amazing. This trip has been more fruitful in more ways than I could ever imagine.

Tonight, Cute Girl and I changed plans again and again and we finally decided we will go Old Quarters with Cool Girl and Queer Girl. For no other reason then the fact that we liked hanging out with them. So we went. And had good food and good funny nonsensical conversations. We clicked, basically. And it helped that all of us were Christians.

But then came the killer of the night… 2 powerful testimonies shot at us back-to-back.

Firstly, Cool Girl told me her story (which she already told Cute Girl and Queer Girl). When she was in sec sch, her whole family were buddhists, except her brother who went to his girlfriend’s church.

One new year’s eve, the brother went out and came back late and had a huge quarrel with her parents. And she was so scared, she was in the room crying and praying for God to change her family.

The next day (or the day after) her brother got into a major car accident and suffered brain damage. Her family was told he’ll never walk again. Her brother had been a star arts and science student and star sportsman (about to become national chairman of a certain sports club). While in the hospital, a monk came to pray for them and Cool Girl’s dad asked her if she felt comfortable with him doing that and she said no and suggested going to church – the church Cool Girl’s brother was in.

So they did.

One day, an elder came and visited the family. He talked to the mom and dad and Cool Girl was in another room. She prayed to God that she would believe in him if her results were good enough to go JC. The next thing she knew, her dad walked into her room and told her he and her mom were accepting Christ and whether she wanted to.

It’s now 7 years after the accident. Her brother can’t really talk properly and is a little socially awkward. But he can walk, run, swim, jump. He studied in La-Selle, School of Fine Arts which his family sent him to after they realized he communicated through drawings.

And Cool Girl told these all in her stable, low voice, her voice being the very symbol of her personality and attitude towards the event which she has since come to terms with.

I was really truly touched by this and wanted to cry. There is so much sorrow in our world, but so much hope in the Lord. I wanted to cry for her brother and her family’s pain, yet I wanted to cry for joy over their faith and salvation even in dry and difficult periods like these.

Next, came Queer Girl’s story. Queer Girl came from a family which had an atheist dad and a Christian mom. And they never stopped quarreling. And she hated it and wonder why they were like that and how two ppl could hold polar stands with such conviction. She was always faced with the realization that her stand on Christianity was a personal one, one she couldn’t just “adopt” from her mom or dad. And that if she took either, she’ll run the risk of displeasing the other. Queer Girl faced something we all face in much more drastic and pressurizing conditions and it drove her into a search for intellect and reasoning and the answers to which she would take.

Queer Girl is really quite queer. In fact I’ve talked about her before on the blog. She’s quite angsty and according to her words, has done all sorts of crazy things before. Riding downhill on a bike in a rainy day and skidding right into the path of an oncoming vehicle that didn’t see her, yet stopped. Slept on park benches. Been chased around with a parang. Those were in the very days that I had been busy complaining about her and feeling uncomfortable around her.

She was a troublemaker in church in her sec school days and a back bencher. As a back bencher, she kept bumping into this random middle-aged lady who talked to her and soon asked her out for a meal.

They went on their first outing to an ice kachang place where the lady made Queer Girl angry, and in her anger, she poked the spoon violently into her ice kachang and the icecream fell straight into the lady’s lap. The lady took it nicely and asked her out again.

Queer Girl is an intellect and an avid reader. The lady was not. Yet Queer Girl attested to her very real and true faith in practice, that she could role model.

I could cry for this lady of great strength and who is so deeply loved by my Lord. She was shunned by me in her hardest times. Yet my Lord loves her so much to reach out to her in a very unique way that her personality needs over a long period of time. And he has changed her so much too! She’s mellowed down and made herself open and vulnerable to me tonight. Something I could never have imagined facing off with her some time ago. And although she doesn’t look it, she’s beautiful. A construction work in progress.

And she’s incited so many thoughts in me! The battle between intellect and spirituality is a fallacy! Intellect may very well lead to spirituality as well.

And I’m so well-placed where I am, so well-placed in law school to reach out to the elitists and the intellects. Yet I have not valued my position and privilege and taken full stewardship over it.

There have been so many gems and treasures lying around law school and I never picked up on them due to my inwardness!

I was just telling Cute Girl (or rather during prayer, I prayed) how the LSM is really like a pilgrammage of sort for me, for both of us. The Lord is leading us from one thing to another and we have each other as partners. And what more, during Lent Week. My God is so real, and so loving.

I remember praying that my trip would be a fruitful one… It’s definitely a prayer answered.

xin chao!

flying off to vietnam for a school trip tml and i'm finally getting just a teeny weeny bit excited. or at least, my negative feelings are being neutralized.

the 1st 3 hours as an adult

i saw her waving at me from a distance, a bright smile plaster on her face, her right arm wrapped around a clipboard.

"the 2 most hated people in the world are telemarketers and evangelists," someone once told me.

they forgot to add, surveyors to the list.

i decided to stop and give her the time of day, learning from my life-changing encounter with a HSBC salesman on 120810 before my korean class.

surveyors are human too.

fatimah was a "professional" from one of the charities and she bubbly and enthusiastically took 5 minutes to share with me the whole background of the charity she represented and it's various activities using pamphlets on her clipboard.

she was so cheery and bouncy, i felt tired for her. esp considering how many rejections she had to face daily. and how many times she had to smile to said rejectors who did not wish to waste their precious time listening to her "sell" whatever she was selling.

she turned to the last page of her pamphlet, and hard sold a donation plan to me which had potentially "bonded" me for 3 years at a rate of ~$1 daily.

i hesitated. and told her i wanted to go back to think about it. and i seriously did, i was not just saying it to get rid of her.

"oh, but why i want to encourage you to consider signing up now is because you'll be saving one person TODAY if you do." The Morality Argument.

"right. i still want to go back and think about it. if i wanted to, i could log on to the website of the charity right?"

perhaps she thought i was cold hearted, coz she immediately changed-up her argument.

"oh yes. but you see, we want to save you time. So if you just sign my form now, it's so much easier. there's this reference code, that you can trace back to me. and i will issue you a receipt as well." The Cost-Efficiency Argument (the very subject-matter of my LAST legal exam)

"right. i still want to go back and think about it." was this woman earning commission on getting me to sign the form or what?

and den she upped the argument again. "oh you're starting work soon right? then i've got good news for you. your donations are tax-deductible and it'll really benefit you." Adam Smith lives on.

and den i thought to myself, while once again turning her down, how terrible Singaporeans were to need self-interested motivations to instill charitableness in their actions. and also, how ingenuous charities were getting in the way they trained their staff to persuade once they've captured the passer-by's attention.

our society is perplexing wonderful yet disappointing.

it would be a nightmare if my nightmare last night came true.

the fact that i had that nightmare last night, is a nightmare in itself.

do u think ur dreams reflect your subconscience and the true state of your heart?

this is choucroutte

kill me now.

one step closer

i'm almost a lawyer. i can smell it.

oh my... i've so picked the wrong career. 1 hour with financial and securities regulations and im already all fidgety. this is TERRIBLE!

should i watch it in digital next?

one of my favourite cinematic scenes in the movie. it lasted less than 2 seconds.

sweet pea, i love you so. i love how u're so beautiful and ur hair is so pretty yet ur mannerisms and voice tone can be so subtly guyish.

i feel absolutely infatuated with this movie. it's crazy.

"We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that your ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourseles n every way... with weapons of righteousness in the right hand in the left." [2 Cor 6: 3 - 4, 7]

Suckerpunch, much?

You have all the weapons you need. Now, fight.

-------------------

i want to talk about a boy (again). and then i want to contradict myself.

here goes.

it was my last language class. we were suppose to present on culture. i presented on dating. He presented on food. And he actually cooked the dish and brought it to class for us to try. full marks for class participation!

throughout the other presentations, he kept directing questions at the other food presentation, asking questions and saying things about dish preparation. it was so cute.

even prior to this last class, i had already kind of noticed him. he sat behind me. he had a tan, and a nice dimply smile with a chiselled jaw. his eyes were very chinese and smiley. and he was quite calm yet cheery.

i never expected him to be such a dedicated cook.

oh, how i love unpredictability, surprises and TALENT!

during my presentation, i found myself constantly looking at him and it especially fuelled me to see him throw back a dimply smile at me when i said something funny. however, i might have scared him away with the subtle feminine nuances going on in my script.

during the class break, i went to thank him for cooking for us.

that was it. never to see him again. aww. don't care. teehee.

---------------------

in other news, i dreamt last night that i was attached and on a mission with my boyfriend to go destroy some light tower in Malaysia. We had to walk through miles and miles of this ultra, mega, huge shopping centre that apparently connected Singapore to Malaysia HAHAHA. up numerous flights of escalators, to get to the light tower, where we tried to smash the lights.

when i woke up, the first thing that occurred to me was how boring and sian it was to be attached. and i found it so sian, i was grossed out by the idea of it.

the boy i was attached to is definitely somebody i know and am quite close to. but i can't exactly recall who exactly it was. SO MYSTERIOUS. but it had nothing to do with who he was. just the idea of being attached was so... sian.

another fun fact was remembering the shops i stopped to look at during my dream. i stopped twice at soft-toy shops. And honestly, i'm not a very soft-toy kind of person (unless it's a unicorn or a carebear) so i have no other why i did that in my dream. there was a whole section of carebears though, so maybe that's why.

and i remember one weird soft-toy that i saw, which was a carebear's head on cookie monster's body, shaped as a bolster. so strange.

-------------------

so the conclusion of this is that i like boys but i do not want to get attached. i like this state of my life.

no boys to like, quite boring.

like too much, also kenna heartbroken.

attached already, also very boring (i probably only think this way coz there's no one i particularly like right now).

I was bored with studying, so i went to check out what mummy was watching on TV.

Mummy: "You want to watch criminal minds? I leave the recording on for you."

Kim: "Ok. But there must be no sex. No blood..."

Mummy: *face distorts* "It's criminal minds, what do you expect???"

I burst out laughing at her facial distortion.

i ate cashew nuts for a period of time. it convinced me that peanuts didn't taste that good.

it worked.

now, i don't eat both.

jokes

i've been trying to search for Revelation Bible Study material. heard from a friend of a really good series by a US ministry that had a branch in Singapore.

I went to tecman with her to look it up. They didn't have the Revelation series.

1 week later, i decided to sign up online at the Ministry website and order the book. Wahlao shipping costs as much as the book.

I search for the local ministry website.

found it. Wow, the books sure look familiar. my dad has many of it's titles (and multiples of the same copy!) on his bookshelf.

where's the order button for the book?

hmm... maybe i should check where their office is.

2nd floor, of a familiar building - my dad's office. my dad's colleague is the member of that very ministry - Precepts Ministry.

Dooh.

Help,

i have another thought in my head. And it's driving me nuts!

i've only let it out to 2 ppl. and letting it out has not relieved me of the thought, as i thought it would.

helphelphelp.

i pity the fool.

i see u driving down town with the girl i love,

and i'm like, forget you. and forget her too.

hilarious/intriguing findings from my dating survey

How would you approach someone you're interested in?

"I'm a shy guy. True story." (i bet this is my godbrother)

"Playing Hard to Get + Observing Her = Higher Probability of Getting Her + Making Sure I Really Like Her" (Oh so wise!)

"Brush against them see whether they brush back. Then bring him to meet Kim and ask Kim's opinion." (i bet this is my alien friend)

If you're a girl, what does the typical Singapore girl look for in a guy (i.e. with the intention to enter into a serious relationship)? Please rank from 1 to 5, 1 being the MOST IMPORTANT.

"Got Car" (my exact thoughts.... NO LAH KIDDING)

Is there any difference between what Singapore girls and guys look for as compared to girls and guy from other countries?

"Singapore guys rank intelligence lower than obedience. i.e. we don't care if our mate is dumb." (I OUTRIGHT REJECT THIS KIND OF GUYS EWEWEW)

"guys think with the wrong head" (teeheeheee!!)

"Burmese like domesticated girls with salaries not exceeding theirs" (random much?)

"girls will always be girls. lol" (ehh?)

"angmohs look for sex." (wah so straight forward)

scared and shaken

Romans 1: 18 - 2: 16

there will be no second chances, not even for those who have never heard the gospel before.

i like to say things as it is.

and so, if i say something mean, the primary problem isn't what i said. (thats a secondary issue of being wise in HOW and WHAT i say). The primary problem is what i thought in the deepest recesses of my heart and the attitudes therein that i needed to correct.

i really like to say things as it is, so when my Cute Friend wisely challenged me to keep my mouth shut on a certain matter, i did so with much difficulty and surrender.

i really appreciate honesty, but sometimes i can't take it if its too brutal.

i'll love to always be honest, but sometimes i'm too afraid to be.

but i'm moving towards it.

Infidelity is a disaster.

There was once a time, when i thought it was the biggest disaster on planet earth. Worse than natural disasters.

Well, not anymore, having been traumatized by Japan's tsunami.

But i still think infidelity is pretty bad.

The self-centredness core of the human soul is most evident in Infidelity. You're ripping apart the heart of someone whom you love or at least once claimed to love enough to make a pledge to live for a lifetime.

I think learning how marriage is a a mirror image of the Trinity made the idea of infidelity even more grotesque.

You know, i'm really tempted to hate guys who cheat. But it's just my reflex mechanism. There are also ladies who cheat. But ladies who have their husbands cheating on them... my goodness, i feel their pain more profoundly. Because i personally know and understand the nature of a woman's heart.

SMIRK

one smirk is enough to kill.

anyway, please click here.

teehee.

wahlao, i have a friend (or rather, an acquaintance) who has filmed a Music Video before??? JEALOUS, MUCH????

(and im not talking about some rich kid who PAID to have a music video made for them)

i can't do my french project in public. =(

when i google What do French Girls look for in a Guy, i come up with all sorts of embarassing website titles.

I scared ppl behind me see.

T is for Kim Soo Hyun!

this guy is NOT a singer. tell me which nonsinger can sing better than some singers??????????

aigoo, so eye-dil. eye-dil to watch and gush over, at least!

it's neil sedaka day!

it looked like it was going to rain. and so instead of running the errands i wanted to, i went to coffee bean.

i saw down with my hazelnut latte and pored over my hanja.

it started to pour.

neil sedaka started to sing.

(P.S.: sorry to spoil the mood but sedaka sounds like sadako.)

refinery

another day of surrender. another day of saying byebye.

i'm a fighter. i fight till i'm exhausted. i fight even if i say im no longer fighting. i fight as long as i want it.

my God, my God, thank You for being patient with me. you hold me in your loving arms even as i fight with all my might each time. you send me angels to encourage me. you speak words of love and truth to me again and again.

it took so much work and time for my heart to turn towards you. and the pace of turning is still so slow.

do i really have to surrender this daily? can't you just WHAMBAM take it away immediately?

"My grace is sufficient for you."

let me learn the hard truth of enjoying the process of learning how to trust and rest in you for all things.

starting my personal journal is the best thing i've ever done for myself.

better than allowing myself a Magnum/gong cha/hour on youtube/trip to the arcade.

way better.

i admit, i'm like a child sometimes

i'm not grouchy at all. but i think i sound grouchy.

i'm not grouchy at all. but i think i look grouchy.

i think i think too much and too "off" when i'm tired. time to crash!

1 hour chat on phone for project, haiyorh.

me have no manson mun

but me have Ha Rang aka Baby Taeyang.

it's not that he's exceedingly cute. but i love the idea how he's a total mini-me!

i've got a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night

i wrote my conclusion before the whole essay. shiok.





JUST TOO CUTE! i'll love to have a mini-me too!!

my heart is Yours, Lord

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong,”

but...

"...since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

what should i do?

dream #5

i was on the run from some Scary Person. I don't think i did something guilt-inducing since i don't remember feeling guilty in my dream, but the Scary Person definitely wanted something from me and to do something terrible to me.

So i ran away from him, far far away. i stayed indoors all day - i think it was on a big campus in a hostel room - fearful of getting caught by him. when i went out once in a blue moon, i was cautious.

throughout, i felt lost and floaty. like i no longer belonged in this world.

but time went on, and he never came to seek me out. so i started to go out again, but wearing hoods and the like.

one day, i was out with my friends at an outdoors cafe. discussing plans on what to do and where to meet later.

and then, i saw them. 2 greasy ahbengs sitting at the table to my diagonal-left in front. on their table, was my photo with a price pegged to it.

i lowered my voice, told my friends they were there and said i'll meet them later. i swung my sling bag around to my back and RAN. down the stairs into the basement of what looked like a shopping centre. it must have been morning because the shops were still closed.

as i ran, i saw an exit to the floor above on my left side. and horror of horrors, the 2 bounty hunters were coming down out of it. i slowed my pace. pulled down my hood. there was no where to hide. no pillars. no other exits.

the first one looked to his left and ran onwards. the second followed suit. for some reason, the did not see me.

i ran to an unknown room at the back of the building which somebody had personally shown me when i was touring the campus.

the room contained 3 disabled old men. who needed especial and personal care from the nurse. they were of different races. one was bed ridden. the other 2 just looked stoned. none of them reacted when i burst in. merely staring into space.

the room seemed to come right out of a sepia photo. everything was so brown. other than 3 beds, there were only 2 cupboards. as i fumbled with the cupboard furthest from the door, i saw the 2 bounty hunters run pass the window of the room. i freezed. once again, they didn't see me.

i crawled into the cupboard which was almost too tiny to fit me. and before i could close the door, a pretty blonde nurse came to ask me what i was doing.

i told her i was finding a place to hide. she asked me to hide in the other cupboard, which was far too small for me.

i explained my situation further to her and suddenly, she made a move to leave the room, saying she'll report on me if i didn't leave the room. i fell on my knees are begged her not to. my heart was racing, i was so scared,

so scared and frightened, that i was shaken awake in the middle of the night.

cheryl and i were the originators of this idea.

my class mate also copy me lorh.

i feel grouchy spells coming onto me.

help, someone

i don't like 1 corinthians 7. =(

i've finally listed out the characteristics of my ideal guy!!

He must be a C-H-I-T C-H-I-A-T. (say it out loud. it sounds like Joo Chiat with an angmoh accent right??????? HOW COOL IS THAT. CHIT CHIAT.)

anyway, i actually only thought of the first 4 alphabets myself. but upon asking my very brilliant cute little friend in school to guess what C-H-I-T stand for, she gave me 3 more new adjectives that i totally want in a guy too. HAHAHA.

in the end, she concluded that i "everything also want." which is not true lorh.

Btw, to correct all skewed assumptions of me being a Princess/Party Girl/Boyfriend Despo, "H" does not stand for Hot, Hunky or Handsome.

It stands for Holy. *bright smile*

or at least, the 2nd "H" does. My cute friend threatened to disown me if i didn't agree with her that Holiness was a necessary quality.

OF COURSE IT IS. it's like so obvious that i don't even need to say HELLO.

this is so fun. talking about boys. relationships. i love being single. only when ur single den can u talk about these things dreamily and longingly. (hopefully i'm still not single by the time i'm 33. Justin's play scared me to bits.)

the old has gone, the new has come

official new eye candy!

he's my age. i'm not a paedophile!

(this is not actually my standard for guys, ok. HAHA)

ILU KIM SOO HYUN!!!

i'm thinking of getting down to writing my 2nd love letter.

it's for someone i hardly talk to.

Feeling like im on the way to burning out. I really really need an extended time with the Lord.

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should i invest in

instead of ?

i'm buying the less gorgeous thing? no way? i really want it.=(

准

Rihanna's tweet was censored for your benefit.

Time to go out and sup and forget my increasing workload and my aching bones.

who says korean songs are not meaningful

Goose's Dream

I have a dream,
Even if I'm thrown away or ripped to shreds
Deep in my heart
I have a dream as precious as gem

If by chance, without a reason,
Somebody ridicules me behind my back
I should be patient
I would wait just for that day.

I am always worried,
That empty dreams are like poison.
That the world is like a book with a fixed ending
That it is a reality which cannot be turned back.

Yes I have a dream.
I believe in that dream
Look at me
Standing in front of that cold wall called fate
I can firmly face it

One day I will go over that wall
And be able to fly
As high as the sky
This heavy thing called life can�t tie me down
At the end of my life, on the other day that I can smile, let�s be together

just like that, it was a good day

have u ever had the experience of listening to one of your favourite songs of the moment, thinking of the lyrics and wishing something would happen in accordance to it.

i did.

adelaide here i come

u know how some ppl have a Theme Song for their life?

i think, i have a Theme Drama.

DREAMHIGH!

how coincidental

isn't my church the sweetest.

whywhywhy did u have to say what u did

soSOsoSOsoSOsoSO irritated by a comment about my appearance.

SO IRRITATING.

u should never make a cultural-contextually-degrading comment on a girl's appearance. =(

I'M SO IRRITATED.

when am i going to get over this toooooooooooo.

i think both are related

when am i going to be good at and unembarrassed by what i like.

i have a problem

2 nights ago, i had a sudden urge to dance before i slept. it was about 1am and i was already lying in bed with the lights off. I was totally awake and itching to dance. But i very practically and sagely told myself, it could wait till the next day for i needed sleep.

so after fidgeting for a long while, i finally fell aslp.

and danced in my dreams.

i woke up and i was amazed. coz i actually danced according to the dance steps i knew in my dream. with abit of modification of course, i have no idea why dreams ALWAYS modifies your knowledge - ppl's faces, names, situations - always kenna changed about in your dreams.

but i actually heard the song in my dream and danced closely to the original steps. AND i remembered it vividly when i awoke.

i think i must have really, really wanted to dance just before i slept.

my talent for getting distracted

oh terrible terrible!!!! i stayed up to watch a drama till this late!!!!!

tml. i have to go to the library to study. if not, confirm i WON'T!

love struck by love again.

i thought i got over love stories since last year.

APPARENTLY NOT!

*sigh* when will the day come when i become a cool, un-sappy, untouched by romance type of girl. that type of girl, SO COOL RIGHT! wahlao sia. i want.

i''m seriously aging

i turned on mtv today for the 1st time today in a few years and kenna culture shock. i can't believe i used to watch this daily in secondary school. HAHA.

and i'm no saint. i actually really like many thrashy songs. Womanizer by Britney Spears, Like a G6 (this song makes me so pumped up!), I Know You Want Me by Pitbull - they were ALL my favourite songs at one point of time or another.

but i need to close my eyes when i watch their mvs. (actually Womanizer's mv is quite entertaining lah).

i've talked with ppl, smsed ppl and prayed more tonight den any other slack night of mine.

and yet i completed my assignment.

my time is REALLLYYYY being expanded. it's magical. God, ur amazing.

(i'm kinda tired though. my head is aching. i think i shouldn't start on my revision tonight, right?)

my 1st time writing a love letter.

my all went into it.

i don't know how Justin does things like these on a regular basis.

i keep on having these really freakish dreams.

just 4 nights ago, i dreamt i was friends with a sociopathic child/teenager who murdered someone before. And for some strange reason, he seemed to trust me and hence, i always tried to calm him down when he got into his angry moods. But the question weighing on the back of my mind all the time when i was with him was "When is he going to stop trusting me and liking me? When am i gonna be his next victim?"

scary stuff.

Just last night, i dreamt i had a bruise on the front of my forehead. so i tried to rub it. and horror or horrors, the skin came off. and it revealed my brain. and i walked around with a hole in my head and sore red skin all around. i was so freaked out in the dream.

i think, these all originated from my encounter with that girl in my language class. i kid you not. i need healing.

complain queen

i'm in pain all over. =(

my tummy.

my mouth.

my heart.

my daily getting-ready-for-school regime has increased by 15 minutes thanks to the many things i have to put on my face and IN my face (i.e. retainers).

however, i'm quite enjoying this short paper i have to do on my Mommy and Daddy. Sounds like primary school essay right.... Macham "Who is Your Hero?"

Nope.

It's about marriage, work, family and their spillovers into one another's lives. I get to act bigshot and interview them and mix it all up into a 300-500 word essay. shiok.

i'm knowing more about them than they know themselves.

my friends are hating on it though.

i'm writing here to forget that i'm in pain all over. =(

On vday, I

1.30pm: Didn't feel like gymming.

2.00pm: Smiled to my eye-candy of yesteryears. He waved back and said "Hey."

2.30pm: Studied Work and Family nonsense.

• Eg. of how ridiculous this course it: "Appropriate Usgae of Technologies = Making sure you have some time to sleep" I totally had to take a university course to learn this intelligent, enlightening fact.

2.30pm: Had Taylor Swift songs running through my head.

6.00pm: ATTACK PANCAKES!

speaking about Valentines

i had a terrible, TERRIBLE experience in sec3/4. It was TERRIBLE!

no, it was not a date.

yes, i got a present

but the boy played me out and gave my friend a present too. and more expensive and shiok somemore. WAHLAO RIGHT.

but now the boy is my friend lah. hope i didn't accidentally give him this blog add. after he see already, paisei.

But just in case i did, I FORGIVE YOU! =D

encountered an ultra scary girl in class.

death stares directed at me for minutes on end.

raised her voice and told off my friend in the middle of class.

later on, turned to sweetly ask me if i'm Singaporean and when i said yes, muttered under her breath: "oh... no wonder..."

i'm so scared now.

dry humour

Me: "Your hair is so dry."

Cool Friend: "Ya. Everytime i come to this class, it's like that."

the sobering fact that i'm no longer 16

oh my goodness me. Work and Family is making me worry that i'll never get married OR have children.

HORROR TTM

Worst Pick Up Lines

STORY #1

Cute Friend: "You know how i first met this guy (i.e. Funny Friend)??? Ridiculous. Tell Kim the story."

Funny Friend and Cute Friend then re-enact the scene

Funny Friend goes up to her and asked her: "Hi. Are you Jia Yi (i.e. another schoolmate)?"

Cute Friend: "No, i'm not jiayi."

Funny Friend: "Oh ok."

Funny Friend walks away and returns 3 seconds later.

Funny Friend, while extending his hand: "Hi anyway, i'm George."

After enacting out the scene, Cute Friend: "And you know what he told me after that? He said he thought i was Jia Yi coz he heard she was short."

STORY #2

Friend: "You know how i got together with my ex girlfriend? i went up to her and asked her if she was my cousin. when she said 'no,' i then explained to her that it was because she looked like my aunty."

STORY #3

Funny Friend: "Do you know how this girl (i.e. Smart Girl) first said hello to me? She suddenly came up to me and said: 'Hi. I heard you are Ben's friend. Can i be your friend too?'"

Smart Girl: "NOOOOO. Ben told me to come up to you and say those words. So i did!"

--------

you know, i'm not one to attend my schoolmates' gatherings coz i don;t exactly gel with them (or at least, never made much of an effort to)

but i knew tonight, i should go.

The harvest field is ripe, for one final term. Harvesting is one of the few far and between reasons/purposes i could discern of me being in this terribly, utterly scary course of mine. But to harvest and live up to such purpose, i need to first be in the field.

and there you have it, i actually enjoyed myself. i actually did not want to leave. I can't decide whether to be surprised that i actually got along fine with these ppl OR NOT to be surprised since i already roughly knew this was the correct decision to make.

i've wasted so much time in law school. i've wasted the opportunity to build up important skills and pools of knowledge with my stubborn, illogical mindsets. i've wasted the opportunity to build meaningful friendships with both christians and non-christians.

last sem - God, work Your magic.

making public, my sin

It’s terrible how distracted I’ve been. A word came very strongly to me last night… it was something that was said at one of our sessions with the youth (or a few sessions that repeated the same thing) where we were discussing what our priorities were and whether we were focusing on Christ…

You can easily tell by what occupies your thoughts a large amt of the time.

Embarrassingly, it’s been Suju and this one particular guy I really like. I admire him and he makes me laugh. And watching videos of him tickles me and mesmerizes me and I forget about EVERYTHING around me. It’s terrible and so so so lame.

And i've been thinking.... why does a 23 year old girl still act like a teenager (and i'm not even trying ok). And this is what i came up with. I think I’m one really prone to having idols in my life.

Because I LOVE recognition. and these idols are RECOGNIZED for certain things i realized i want to be recognized in me. Like a fellow suju fan in school told me:

"You know, it's not even about wanting to be WITH them. I want to be LIKE them. I rather be them than ME."

Ok like i'm not so emo. But i think i am echoing off similar attitudes. Recognition is my absolute weakness, my Achilles heel. Entice me a little with hopes of an award or medal plate, stroke my ego a little and watch me become crazy obsessed. I’m like the Mickey Mouse I saw at my 7 month old distant cousin’s house yesterday, responding to a tap on his foot with predictable and ridiculously retard behaviour.

It’s a really huge struggle at this point of time because I’m so free and yet I’m not. Free in the sense that there’s the CNY mood and smell of Slack in the air. My daddy keeps blasting Korean songs at a volume loud enough for the whole block to hear. And since everyone is slacking, I also slack lah. Go watch more videos. And YET I do have better things to do.

• Reading the Bible and Praying (I’ve tried to keep up to this but I can tell there’s a little lack of fervour and a HUGE lack of focus from previously)
• · Reading newspaper
• · Study French/Korean
• · Play piano/guitar
• · Watch nigahiga

I remember a very godly friend telling me 4 weeks ago about her obsession with this particular drama. In that she had to watch one episode everyday. When she shared with me, I kept quiet. I couldn’t respond. And I knew why. Coz I was so prone to doing what she does. And I know if I told her what I knew was correct… I would have to hold myself accountable to the same standard that I preached. And so i did not utter a word.

But day after day, the Holy Spirit kept bugging me to tell my friend that she had to stop because it was severely distracting her. So I dragged my feet in doing so. By the time I told her about a week later, she replied me that she had already restrained herself knowing that it was distracting her. And it was extremely painful.

It is my turn to do so. Ouch. God pls teach me how to refrain/restrain and focus my eyes on You and Your Holiness. Keep me from doing it in my own strength which a prideful, stubborn girl like me is so prone to do. Help me not to do anything or watch anything that would trigger of my obsession. Refine me.

my favourite part of the concert was surprisingly neither Sorry Sorry, nor anything Eunhyuk/Siwon related.

there was a short segment where a classical piece played. the stage lights were dimmed. the stadium was relatively quiet.

And then the spotlight shone on each guy, 1 by 1, playing an invisible instrument along to the classical piece drifting in through the speakers.

they were all sitting behind a screen, on which, a video-image of another in a white suit was being shone on. the video-image seemed to notice them sitting them and tried to beckon to them. but everyone was too intently playing their invisible instruments.

and then his face appeared on the big screen. the 1 member who had been sent into Army early for getting into a fight.

now the light shone on all the guys and the song got louder and louder.

then, BOOM! paper hearts exploded out of the centre of the stage. they floated like aeroplanes everywhere, high up above the crowds. i was sitting quite far back so hardly any flew to me. but for close to 2 minutes, i was mesmerized by the sight of a million paper hearts soaring around.

Lights casted from the stage to the ceiling captured the shadows of these million paper hearts that looked like some aeroplane/bird hybrid, flying around like it had a life of it's own.

it was sooo pretty.

i felt like crying.

to avoid the small possibility

i wish i'll stop.

i wish it'll start.

go.

btw, i'm not a play thing

i'm so sad it ended. i'm buying 4jib. better late than never.

The Most Scandalous Thing I Did in 2010

I brought beer to drink in class.

Every friday, we had the worst class of our semester. Every friday, we also had our weekly drinking sessions. At the same time.

I didn't think much of it. maybe once or twice, i did kind of think for a moment how this was slightly wild. but my conscience was never that much pricked. until a cute, conservative funny friend of mine chided me and mentioned that my whole class (save for the drinking gang) was shocked and that my prof had even told her prof who told her whole class.

-_-. Gone. Good christian girl reputation - GONE!

The topic came up today again, and today, was really my Turning Point in Jan.

You see, after i discovered i failed my driving test, i became overcome by this sudden urge to have fun and be happy. i went to the arcade, i urgently arranged for karaoke tml, i got excited about my drinking date tonight.

and im usually not like that, you see. well, maybe occasionally, when i feel down.

i just felt so carefree and slightly reckless.

i felt less bothered than usual in class about class participation and the prof not knowing my name.

i felt excited about having drinks with my friends after korean class.

and this is the weird thing you see... i usually struggle with hanging out with this particular group. coz i don't click with them very well. we're on quite different wavelengths.

but today, TODAY, i felt it was RIGHT to be with them. for one, my close friend in that group was the very first person i called when i knew i had failed my test and wanted company to just go CHILL.

while drinking, the topic about our scandalous beer-drinking incident came up again. i thought about it and shrugged it off. Good christian girl reputation destroyed or not, stumbling block or not, it was already done. Nothing i could do about it except not to do it again.

it's one of those days, that i spent with one foot in the Dark Side. where i'm straddling the middle ground of Enlightenment and Entrapment.

and you know, i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Today, for one of the rare few times, I was willing and able to spend time with these non-christian friends. I've been struggling very much to relate to them this sem, coz, i simply can't! they were too 'wild' for me.

but today, i wanted to be with them. i could relate to them. I knew they knew how i felt. I knew that today i'm feeling what they usually feel much of the time.

and it was a humbling experience. the failure, ah that one, definitely humbling. i already cheekily told God in my prayer before the test that i'm already very humble and He need not humble me anymore. Jokes lorh.

but the humbling experience was something else. I realized, after all this while, I am still just like any sinner or any non-christian.

today i was impulsive, proud, arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, self-indulgent, rude all rolled into one. And my friends were there for me. My non-christian friends were there for me to cheer me up. it was just so humbling. I think i've sub-consciously been approaching them from a moral high ground though i claimed to love them very much.

and my dear friend, the one i called, she is really one of my favourite ppl in school. at the bar, we sang familiar songs being belted out by the band to one another, a twinkle in her pretty eye, dimples deepening. She told me to drive like the car was falling out of the school the next time round and at the speed of a snail. that made me laugh and feel better immediately.

i was so sad when i found i had nothing to say to her this semester when i saw her again. and apparently, she had nothing to say to me as well. we awkwardly waved every once in a while. she was off laughing out loud and fooling around with 2 other more enthusiastic, bubbly and quirky friends of mine.

and there i was, conservative and quiet. it made me so sad to not be able to break the barrier

i think i had gotten all high and mighty without intending to. in my limited intellect, i was really at a lost of words as to how to relate to her and thus had nothing to say. i wasn't brave or faithful enough to believe she would accept me for who i was either.

although i don't agree with alot of things she believes or says. but i think i've always seen a little of me in her. and even more so now. We are all the same therefore We all have the same needs. We all need the Lord.

but the trick now is.. having the Right Godly responses to some of her beliefs or remarks. And how to naturally integrate that into conversation and how to approach it from a point of love and open-mindedness.

although i have another thing on my mind which i would have loved to type here, i think i would just end with some irrelevant lyrics:

"If i could change the world, i would be the sunlight in your universe. You would think my love was really something worth."

i am a philosopher

why do so many working guys wear light blue shirts and black pants? they all look like:

DRIVING INSTRUCTORS

why are there so many CARS and TRAFFIC LIGHTS everywhere i go???

why Is pastamania so crowDed???

why IS the queue for Subway so Long???

why do I only have a 2-digit sum left in my banK account?

why am i so good at jubEaT?

why am i replying smses on my pHone so fast today?

why do i fEel so awesoMely cArefree?

why do i ask why?

why am i?

why stiLL?

why?

Wah super sian.

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DRIVING TEST IN 13hours and 9mins time.

SCARY BOH??????

like whatever

My goodness. Law students getting all tied up and agitated by what is in reality a very simple concept.

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the little things

"i'm so excited!" my friend exclaimed as she stood in the queue to buy her cream puffs from Chewy Junior.

"you want?"

"no i got self-control. HAHAHA"

my DG and i had just studied 2 peter.

a short walk around raffles city basement with a few friends, to idle and munch (WOOO ICECREAMMM!!). what a spirit lifter.

you know how things go when i really like something

je ne veux pas travailler (i don't want to work)

My room is like a prison
The sun's rays bar the window
Hunters are at my door
Like little soldiers
Who wants to take me away

I do not want to work
I do not want to eat
I just want to forget him
And then smoke (a cigarette)

I already knew the scent of love
A million roses don't smell so sweet
[because] Now a single flower in among them
Makes me sick.

I do not want to work
I do not want to eat
I just want to forget him
And then smoke (a cigarette)

I am not proud of it
Life, which wants to kill me
It is wonderful to be sympathetic
But I don't know how.

I do not want to work
I do not want to eat
I just want to forget him
And then smoke (a cigarette)

An excerpt from my personal journal, because the end of every rant/praise should be Joy and Hope in the Lord

I remember telling a youth once… That when it’s difficult, trust in the Lord and therefore, at the end of the whole battle, you can claim His victory and claim His promises and enjoy a deeper rship with Him coz you knew and trusted that He was walking alongside you all the way. I’m not doing that now, coz it’s painful. I’ve become discontent and ungrateful like the Israelites led out of Egypt. I’ve grumbled in my hardships and while I haven’t overtly questioned whether God is really there and whether He really cares for me, it can be inferred from my discouraged and battered-down spirit that I probably don’t think He is.

One of my favourite books ever talked about life (esp difficult times) as a trek in the wilderness. I haven’t been trekking well in the wilderness, or keeping my eyes peeled for the feast tables he prepares every once in a while.

Much less have I been looking out for my fellow trekkers, for the sole reason that they don’t seem to be looking out for me.

It’s always mememe. It’s still mememe.

What could the Israelites have done to be right in God’s eyes? Yes, they were objectively having a hard time in the desert. But it’s their attitude that matters, despite the circumstances. They didn’t trust He would provide, they were self-centred instead of God-centred.

They could have asked for water in a hopeful and trusting manner, but instead they demanded and grumbled.

They could have rejoiced in what the Lord had done for them but instead they flippantly ignored it and rejected His good works.

Therefore Lord, empower me in your Holy Spirit to ask for water in hope and in trust. And to remember always what you have done in my life and to never substitute that for deceitful lies.

i can't believe how self-centred i've been the past few days. and to think that my new year resolution is a hefty:

"Less of Self, More of God and Others"

pfft.

i've been blogging quite a bit. and today, while i tried to take a nap, i actually contemplated talking out loud to my carebear who lies loyally by my pillow.

Afterall my carebear would just sit there and listen, flashing me a constant serene smile and gazing with bright attentive eyes.

what more, it's my fave colour. no one else has purple skin (except my unicorn).

im not gonna stop my rant

only 1 out of my 8 sems in smu, did i not hate sch.

therefore, i hate sch.

sharpening.

i just thought to myself today,

"If my youth were to follow me around for one day and see how i behave, omo, i'll look terrible."

esp if they could hear my thoughts.

and read my body language.

thankfully, there is no such Superyouth.

i worried so much over the sudden restructuring of my presentation that i didn't slp well last night.

i was so stressed that i dreamt about sleeping and forcing myself to wake up coz it was time. and when i forced myself to wake up in the dream, i really woke up instead with a blinding headache. it was early morning.

so here i am, for the 5th day in a row, at home, resting. coz my stomach is spasming and my brain is spiralling downwards.

and the silly thing is, it's not even a presentation worth worrying over. i'm just disinterested. intimidated. upset that i didn't get the structure right the first time round.

and im just ungrateful and lacking in stewardship.

right now. im very angsty.

i don't have a legal mind.

neither do i have the legal interest.

i do not care about distribution of incomes and achieving efficiency.

neither do i care about how troublesome ppl create trouble and enter a complex process made complicated by complicated ppl to reach a simple conclusion (guilty or not guilty)

i don't care about legal theory.

i don't care about legal practice.

so why am i here? WHYYY WHYYYYYYY

can a person die from being humbled? coz the humbling process is sometimes so painful, i could just die.

God: In your hard times, that's when you become conscious of the need to lean on me.