who am i

i was cold all morning. but i never wore my jacket. i was too sucked into my work. too busy trying to finish it.

and den it hit me. Strike 3.

...Let's go a few days back in time to Strike 1.....

Strike 1: TUESDAY

3 days ago. a tuesday. i was fired up. ready to work. i had a plan for the topics i was going to spot, essays i was going to write. no time to waste.

God: "What about your time with me? Are you going to read My word today?"

ehhh... ok. if u say so. *quickly reads* *realizes im reading fast and tries to slow down* *even though i slow down nothing much sinks in*

Me: "Why God? Why am i like that? Why the change in heart suddenly now that i'm enthused about work? How do i reconcile you with work? Help me ok, i'm very distracted from you and i duno what to do. kthxbye."

*Goes to school*

Bumps immediately into Friend.

Friend: "I'm going to pray!"

ehhh ok, guess i should go with you.

*Goes* Ah. Feel better. Feels slightly more right. Feels slightly more justified about starting work now.

Friend: "I think God wants to pursue you."

Ehhhh... right. that makes sense to u but doesn't make sense to me. (((kthxbye)))

*rushes to work*

Strike 2: THURSDAY (this is a simple one)

Class participation marks are out!!!

*Checks*

wth B-. whats your problem, prof. i talk so much in class. i even intentionally put out my namecard until the very last week so u won't forget my name. yet u still forgot my name didn't u? can't make out whether i'm mary, hua hua, siti or meydabudihatantilengkong* (*All names changed to protect identities. the last one being a real person - my indonesian secondary sch classmate whose name i loved to chant) which explains why i got the same marks as someone else who hardly spoke up (the competitive spirit within me which i utterly detest arises)

i'm very forgettable.

i'm very worthless.

i'm very angry.

(and i'm very unable to distinguish between what 1 person thinks of me hypothetically to who i really am)

Class part and irritating angmo prof - kthxbye.

Strike 3: TODAY

Friend gestures over to me.

Friend: "Other friend has brought someone to know the Lord! =D"

What. Why. Why haven't i been able to do that. am i not faithful enough Lord? Do i need to look upon you as a Pursuer of me, as a Lover of my Soul, as my courter like my friends are (apparently the latest trend among my friends who have read Captivated) in order to see results?

Conveniently forgets what he has done.

Competitive spirit compels me to look upon friends unfavourably.

Buys into lies that i'm utterly worthless.

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i go out of the library and downstairs to sit by myself. i need time with God. i didn't even do quiettime today because i went out for early bfast with my parents (and i was slightly happy about it coz i save time!)

Whats up with me? Why am i here? Faith crisis.

I am sooooooo perturbed by the Pursuer, Relationship analogy used by my Captivated friends. Why it is so disturbing to me???? Is there something wrong with our rship God?

And den it rang in my head.

Who am i. That the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt.

Not because of who i am, but because of what You've done. Not because of what you've done, but because of who You are.

Still You, hear me when i'm calling. Lord, You catch me when i'm falling. And You told me who i am

I am Yours.

He told me:

• Yes, I am pursuing you. But not in a different way from your friends. Because you are different. Because you are unique.
• I pursued you by showing you that you need me.
• I showed you that you need me by keeping you humble and down to earth.
• If i didn't give you Bs, how else would you know you need me? How else would i get your attention? How would you continue to rely on Me?
• Even if you have Bs, i love you. Because You are mine. Mine alone. I will have no one else tell you you are not good enough. And i will never say that. Coz you are good enough in me. You are my beloved.
• And btw, you asked for me to help you on Tuesday didn't you? There you go. =)

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I came back to the library. the first thing i did was to put on my jacket and write this down.