making public, my sin

It’s terrible how distracted I’ve been. A word came very strongly to me last night… it was something that was said at one of our sessions with the youth (or a few sessions that repeated the same thing) where we were discussing what our priorities were and whether we were focusing on Christ…

You can easily tell by what occupies your thoughts a large amt of the time.

Embarrassingly, it’s been Suju and this one particular guy I really like. I admire him and he makes me laugh. And watching videos of him tickles me and mesmerizes me and I forget about EVERYTHING around me. It’s terrible and so so so lame.

And i've been thinking.... why does a 23 year old girl still act like a teenager (and i'm not even trying ok). And this is what i came up with. I think I’m one really prone to having idols in my life.

Because I LOVE recognition. and these idols are RECOGNIZED for certain things i realized i want to be recognized in me. Like a fellow suju fan in school told me:

"You know, it's not even about wanting to be WITH them. I want to be LIKE them. I rather be them than ME."

Ok like i'm not so emo. But i think i am echoing off similar attitudes. Recognition is my absolute weakness, my Achilles heel. Entice me a little with hopes of an award or medal plate, stroke my ego a little and watch me become crazy obsessed. I’m like the Mickey Mouse I saw at my 7 month old distant cousin’s house yesterday, responding to a tap on his foot with predictable and ridiculously retard behaviour.

It’s a really huge struggle at this point of time because I’m so free and yet I’m not. Free in the sense that there’s the CNY mood and smell of Slack in the air. My daddy keeps blasting Korean songs at a volume loud enough for the whole block to hear. And since everyone is slacking, I also slack lah. Go watch more videos. And YET I do have better things to do.

• Reading the Bible and Praying (I’ve tried to keep up to this but I can tell there’s a little lack of fervour and a HUGE lack of focus from previously)
• · Reading newspaper
• · Study French/Korean
• · Play piano/guitar
• · Watch nigahiga

I remember a very godly friend telling me 4 weeks ago about her obsession with this particular drama. In that she had to watch one episode everyday. When she shared with me, I kept quiet. I couldn’t respond. And I knew why. Coz I was so prone to doing what she does. And I know if I told her what I knew was correct… I would have to hold myself accountable to the same standard that I preached. And so i did not utter a word.

But day after day, the Holy Spirit kept bugging me to tell my friend that she had to stop because it was severely distracting her. So I dragged my feet in doing so. By the time I told her about a week later, she replied me that she had already restrained herself knowing that it was distracting her. And it was extremely painful.

It is my turn to do so. Ouch. God pls teach me how to refrain/restrain and focus my eyes on You and Your Holiness. Keep me from doing it in my own strength which a prideful, stubborn girl like me is so prone to do. Help me not to do anything or watch anything that would trigger of my obsession. Refine me.