more musings about future lawyers.

more musings about future lawyers. i don't know if i said this before, but i'm super sexist when it comes to Ds (you know, DISC, Ds - domineering, decisive, leader). I have huge respect for guy Ds - i love listening to them, learning from them, asking them for advice. But i feel super uncomfortable, scared and repelled by girl Ds. and this is a phenomena i think i can actually explain.

we all know guys view and treat girls different from their fellow sex. and hence, guy Ds never had a bone to fight over with me. But girl Ds. even if they don't intend it to fight, i sometimes perceive they are picking a fight alright. RAWR. it just perturbs me when there's another girl D in the room. They are my doppelganger.

Most of the girl Ds in my life - i have gotten used to and have accepted due to familiarity. I've reached a point where i know how to interact with them without entering D vs. D zone and i learn how to be myself without the feeling of substitution in their presence.

but i met a different type of girl D in law school.

man she's difficult. but very intelligent. perhaps i should describe her before i muse. she never dresses up. non-girly. looks nondescript. talks rather fiercely and fierily when she has an opinion. she always has an opinion.

ok, now to muse. before i worked with her, i used to conduct my usual Aegyo (Read: Act cute) on her. i gave her a saccharine sweet nickname (and realized she didn't quite like it). i used to talk to her as a half-acquaintance, half-friend (i.e. we've chatted on msn when i was STILL using msn, we'll chat surface-level things in real life but infrequently).

And den, we formed a project group together. the rest of the group didn't turn up. it was 2 of us. she didn't get much slp the previous night. she ate me up alive. i fought back weakly but caved. i was scared, angry and i told myself NEVER AGAIN.

recently, i had the opportunity to talk to her. and for some weird reason, i wanted to understand her. we went for dinner tofether. she, being highly intellectual, tried to engage me in political and legal discourses. I tried to keep up and participate but in actuality, i was a little sian. afterall, my brain had been burnt the whole day through. i just wanted to relax now.

and den she tagged me in a note, about Apathy, the need for intellectual opinion and Learning, not as grades or memory and "application" (i.e. regurgiation) but real criticial discussion and discourse.

her belief in critical discussion was probably what shocked me in previous encounters with her. apart from her naturally aggressive manner of talking, i realized, this was just a girl who wanted to engage in conversation. there was nothing vindictive or argumentative in what she did.

and i began to see her pursuit of understanding and active engagement as something very admirable. she strove to gain knowledge, not good grades. she was willing to put in effort and dedication and brain cells all the way to ENGAGE. something i always knew at the back of my mind that i lacked and should do something about. i had previously reasoned it away as taking up brain space which i had to save for my studies.

MY STUDIES. what is that even. as my grades plunged over the last 2 years. i ralized my flawed understanding of studies as grades. does the fact that i'm not doing well mean i'm not studying and not learning? or that it is useless? i find i've wasted my Uni education on pursuing a empty, fleeting goal of A+s and maintaining my scholarship. That wasn't what tort law, contract law, constitutional law, asian modern history was about. And yet that was how i spent those knowledge.

today i had to tackle Marxist. I was hugely turned off by the extra amt of readings today. I told myself "get it over and done with.". but having read the note and remembering this Fierce friend of mine - i found myself enthusiastic to learn about Marxist. W/o the usual need of making mandatory notes (Read: Ctrl+C; Ctrl+V) or rushing through in a set amount of time so i can move on to the next subject - but just with paper, a pen and highlighter. And the readings were so clear. tedious (i think i kenna fever while reading) but clearer than usual!

really, to be able to learn is such a blessing. to have brains, the ability to analyse, the ability to process - AMAZING! it'll be such a pity to simply limit the usage of our brains to this in the narrow method we've had ingrained into our beings by the education system.

here's to a less mind-lazy, more conscientious, more hardworking me. =)