I brought beer to drink in class.
Every friday, we had the worst class of our semester. Every friday, we also had our weekly drinking sessions. At the same time.
I didn't think much of it. maybe once or twice, i did kind of think for a moment how this was slightly wild. but my conscience was never that much pricked. until a cute, conservative funny friend of mine chided me and mentioned that my whole class (save for the drinking gang) was shocked and that my prof had even told her prof who told her whole class.
-_-. Gone. Good christian girl reputation - GONE!
The topic came up today again, and today, was really my Turning Point in Jan.
You see, after i discovered i failed my driving test, i became overcome by this sudden urge to have fun and be happy. i went to the arcade, i urgently arranged for karaoke tml, i got excited about my drinking date tonight.
and im usually not like that, you see. well, maybe occasionally, when i feel down.
i just felt so carefree and slightly reckless.
i felt less bothered than usual in class about class participation and the prof not knowing my name.
i felt excited about having drinks with my friends after korean class.
and this is the weird thing you see... i usually struggle with hanging out with this particular group. coz i don't click with them very well. we're on quite different wavelengths.
but today, TODAY, i felt it was RIGHT to be with them. for one, my close friend in that group was the very first person i called when i knew i had failed my test and wanted company to just go CHILL.
while drinking, the topic about our scandalous beer-drinking incident came up again. i thought about it and shrugged it off. Good christian girl reputation destroyed or not, stumbling block or not, it was already done. Nothing i could do about it except not to do it again.
it's one of those days, that i spent with one foot in the Dark Side. where i'm straddling the middle ground of Enlightenment and Entrapment.
and you know, i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Today, for one of the rare few times, I was willing and able to spend time with these non-christian friends. I've been struggling very much to relate to them this sem, coz, i simply can't! they were too 'wild' for me.
but today, i wanted to be with them. i could relate to them. I knew they knew how i felt. I knew that today i'm feeling what they usually feel much of the time.
and it was a humbling experience. the failure, ah that one, definitely humbling. i already cheekily told God in my prayer before the test that i'm already very humble and He need not humble me anymore. Jokes lorh.
but the humbling experience was something else. I realized, after all this while, I am still just like any sinner or any non-christian.
today i was impulsive, proud, arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, self-indulgent, rude all rolled into one. And my friends were there for me. My non-christian friends were there for me to cheer me up. it was just so humbling. I think i've sub-consciously been approaching them from a moral high ground though i claimed to love them very much.
and my dear friend, the one i called, she is really one of my favourite ppl in school. at the bar, we sang familiar songs being belted out by the band to one another, a twinkle in her pretty eye, dimples deepening. She told me to drive like the car was falling out of the school the next time round and at the speed of a snail. that made me laugh and feel better immediately.
i was so sad when i found i had nothing to say to her this semester when i saw her again. and apparently, she had nothing to say to me as well. we awkwardly waved every once in a while. she was off laughing out loud and fooling around with 2 other more enthusiastic, bubbly and quirky friends of mine.
and there i was, conservative and quiet. it made me so sad to not be able to break the barrier
i think i had gotten all high and mighty without intending to. in my limited intellect, i was really at a lost of words as to how to relate to her and thus had nothing to say. i wasn't brave or faithful enough to believe she would accept me for who i was either.
although i don't agree with alot of things she believes or says. but i think i've always seen a little of me in her. and even more so now. We are all the same therefore We all have the same needs. We all need the Lord.
but the trick now is.. having the Right Godly responses to some of her beliefs or remarks. And how to naturally integrate that into conversation and how to approach it from a point of love and open-mindedness.
although i have another thing on my mind which i would have loved to type here, i think i would just end with some irrelevant lyrics:
"If i could change the world, i would be the sunlight in your universe. You would think my love was really something worth."
