CCIS DANCE IS STARTING

i'm absolutely eggscited all over again!!!!

Now, if only my health could keep up.

i love meeting new ppl.

yet, i fear meeting new ppl. esp those who are older. or very zai.

My life is a like a fleeting dream.

Little events.

No.

Significant events.

Pop up.

And then,

Your life is no longer the same colour.

Your glasses are no longer the same degree.

Your camera no longer points at the same angle.

The weather feels different. Your skin clings to you in a different way.

You are the same. Yet you are now completely different.

Why is that so?

undeserved

eye to eye.

i couldn't look.

i couldn't speak.

i choked. emotionally, more than physically.

the words spilled out clumsily like coffee on a shaking table.

they were strung together in all the wrong ways.

i wanted to repeat what i said to clarify and make clear what i meant. to justify myself. to patch the wound my words were re-opening and inflicting at the same time.

yet i wanted to shut myself up. to take it all back.

to stop and forget.

and yet, i never found the rejection i so feared.

i found grace - a display of God's grace, so deep and so healing.

i had advocacy training 2 days ago

Boy, was it fun.

I got to be a lawyer, with little responsibility.

Making arguments in court.

Cross-examining witnesses.

Even, being a difficult witness.

Very glam. With little sweat.

But i realized, i just can't be bitchy enough.

thank God. What a good problem to have.

Reconciliation

"Ok, Team A, change over."

It was my turn to take the stage. I grabbed my notes and walked from my seat to the raised platform infront. And sat down across my opponent.

And i said something silly.

I saw my tutor and my classmates laugh at me.

And i saw my opponent smile a big wide smile at me. Deep dimples formed in his cheeks. His eyes twinkling. He was amused. He didn't tsk me or shoot an elitist death stare.

And i smiled sheepishly back and laugh out loud.

3 years ago, i would never have imagined me, sitting across him, laughing.

I'm no longer quite so sure he's a Bad Boy.

what more can we do

my doorbell rings.

a middle-aged man in a red checkered shirt that looks like a table cloth, with a brown shopping bag, stands at the door.

"errhhh... hello. i'm selling air freshener. very good...."

"sorry, we don't use these kind of things."

"it's very very good. can use in your house, your car, for your clothes... you see ah... i have stroke."

he lifts up his limp right arm that looks rubbery and lifeless.

i see a train of saliva drip from his lips onto my door mat.

"ok wait ah." i said.

i walked to my room. and i thought to myself. what if this guy is a cheat? can't he get some other job?

and then i decided in an instance, i'll rather be swindled than risk not supporting what could be his only viable and foreseeable means of livelihood.

and so i bought 2 air fresheners for $5 each which i would never use. (i hate air fresheners, esp lemon, and in cars.)

but then it got me thinking. was what i did the best i could do for him?

pardon my language but.... i am working my ass off.

yet, i'm having the time of my life.=)

i have a semi-serious bout of Monday Blues.

I wonder if it's because i talked to Bad Boy.

I wonder if it's because for no rhyme or reason, Weird Dude just doesn't like me. And expressed it quite explicitly today.

I wonder if it's because i was insulted by you without you even knowing it.

I wonder if it's because I have quite abit of work to do.

I need an escape tonight. Lord?

guys. i'm through with Mystery.

it's not easy... to be Nameless. a captial "I" gets in the way.