i cry while listening to songs.

i cry while praying.

i cry while im on the crowded mrt trains.

all this often happens at a spontaneous thought, when i'm not even feeling generally emo.

and the tears go away in a matter of seconds or minutes.

some of my tears come for funny reasons. some come for serious ones.

previous post on celibacy was UNWARRANTED! shouldn't talk about it like that keke.

bleargh. monday blues.

which reminds me of a shirt my friend wears every monday which says, in bold and red, "Monday Sucks."

which reminds me i've not seen this friend of mine for a while.

Wait like a Fool

just watched marianne's bd video and realized how strange and hyperactive i am.

opps. i greet Celibacy with a cautious wave again. HAHA.

HAPPY BD MARIANNE!!!!

i finally felt what it was like to be like a murderer trying to get rid of the evidence. washing blood of your clothes. it was so scary

the whole front of my left foot sock was soaked with blood after my run today.

i didn't feel the abrasion on my toe.

i started worrying that i was leprous.

now, i have bubbles under the skin of my left middle finger.

leprosy is a scary way to die.=(

youth

so passionate. so impulsive. so quick to anger. so quick to punch back.

i wonder if i did something wrong.

i wonder if i should allow myself to be irritated with your behaviour.

i wonder on the value of love.

i wonder why i'm so zen.

hey sexy.

for once, i anticipated a movie, went for it and loved it. i wasn't expecting much though. and u can't say jolie's enough to save ANY movie since Wanted was still a flop.

still way sexy though, no doubt.

i don't even know how im qualified to call another girl sexy coz im not attracted to her in that kinda way but my goodness - she's just so strong, cool and confident.

she looks cute here.

just had to gush about her.

now the pressing question - blonde or jetblack?

i say jetblack!

mug tml morn. den movie. den brunch. den class. den korean class.

SHIOK TO THE MAX!!!!!

snorkel is not snooker.

(haven't uploaded our latest photo so use an old one first=p) just a simple meal, some wii and taboo - made me realise how much i miss u guys and how special a role u guys played in my childhood.

1 of the few best take-aways from JC - everlasting friendships. thanks for being friends i can grow old with. =)

the gift that made me tempted to cry. i don't what makes me so deserving of loving friends like these.

and because i just discovered photobooth, i have the right to zi pai and act-cute.

purple balloon

A girl approached my (high)classmate and me. "Hi, would u like a balloon?"

"YES PLS! Purple colour pls!" I was delighted! I love balloons!

I was in the middle of school.

"Hmm... how am i going to bring this into the library. I give you the option to run away and pretend you don't know me now." I told my (high)classmate.

Inside, i was beaming at the thought of putting my purple balloon into my orange coloured room (besides my dying, deflating cow). i realized i really like balloons. i would like to have balloons in my room everyday.

i happily bounced along with my purple balloon, feeling rather self-conscious on behalf of my (high)classmate.

Into the library, the purple balloon went.

Out of the library the purple balloon went.

Into the light drizzle and strong wing, the purple balloon spiralled.

Under the increasing pour the purple balloon struggled.

Into raffles city and den into the mrt station the purple balloon escaped.

I walked with my feet in two portable puddles of water (my poor everbest shoes) into the train. I saw a baby pram in front of me with an adorable little girl with pigtails in her sch u.

Her eyes, immediately gravitated to the purple floating mass. She couldn't take her eyes off the gorgeous thing.

Her grandma looked in my direction to see what her granddaughter was staring at.

"You want it?" i asked.

"You want it?" the grandma asked.

Grandma took out a tissue and wiped my wet balloon dry as i untied it from my wrist.

"Thank you." Grandma smiled at me, while saying "My granddaughter is sick and she wouldn't stop crying and making noise. Thank you."

"No problem." i replied. After a moment, i told Grandma. "I got it from my school. Perhaps thats the reason i took the balloon today. To give to your granddaughter."

I waved at Pigtails. She waved back.

I made a new friend.

a lie i heard today

today, the devil told me lies.

while i was physically tired.

tears almost came.

i'm scared.

i eat my cough suppressant pills so i can go to sleep in peace.

i'm so scared of the corporate world. is that where u really want me to go to, Lord? how am i suppose to serve u all of my life there when that is just simply at odds with the main ethos of the job?

rui en has slimmed down alot

wow school really needs discipline huh. i've been putting off doing my timetable for who knows how long. i like doing timetables but i fear seeing all my hours get filled up! O_O

Daddy: "You know what is also a miracle? when u had fits when you were young. the doctor told us to be prepared since u might be epileptic."

Mummy: "It was so scary seeing you shaking."

Daddy: "Ya. Den mummy sillily went to put her finger in your mouth coz u were biting down so hard. and she was screaming all the way. i disallowed her to put a spoon in your mouth."

Mummy: "because it would break you teeth."

Daddy: "it was scary. i think compared to my father and brother dying, this was the most traumatic. And you went into 6 FITS!"

Mummy: "Seeing you like that, i couldn't tahan. i prayed to the Lord, that if He wanted to take Kimberly home, let His will be done. You were only 6."

i might have had brain damage. i might have died. in fact, i might not even have been born (my mom bled while she had me).

i felt like crying. my life was cherished and cherishable. God preserved me.

Mummy: "You see? The Lord watched over you. He has a purpose for your life."

=)

facebook is amazing. 85 friends who remembered my bd? (or saw it on their facebook alerts) wow. when i checked my email inbox 15mins ago i thought facebook kenna virus or something. so many ppl posting on the wall!

one of my best bds thus far. mandy, des and i. just chilling =) much <333

birthday blues - happens every year.

how can something so lovable be so annoying?

oh my goodness... GORGEOUS!

if i were a guy, this would be my ideal woman.

really.

Right Reasons Affirmed

u know, i've been crying quite abit.

i cried during FOP when Don Moen sang Still and i relived the feelings of my JC years.

i cried when i sat by the beach on thursday.

i cried today during a prayer of dedication. and during a video.

i usually try to control my tears and think through my emotions. im embarrassed about my tears. suspicious of their basis. worried - that my emoness will breed equally emo girls.

but i can't deny the emotion. and hence, i deduce, there's something there. undeniably, i'm naturally quite emo i think esp in movies and when listening to songs.

i bawled in this one.

But i think, something is working within me. the tears are like a reflex. a jolt of the Holy Spirit.

for one, i never used to cry over starving, ill or orphaned children. i was too busy caring about myself before to have excess care for other ppl. i even remembered, one Christmas/watchnight service, i think 2006, where i heard cheryl bawling during prayer. and i was wondering "does she have some unspoken problems weighing on her mind???" i was amazed when i found out that she was crying for ppl who were suffering at the other side of the globe. i just couldn't understand her compassion.

i still don't quite understand it, and yet, i cry when i see these things. it's like my mind is a little slow to catch up with my heart and my spirit.

during the altar call at missions festival today, the speaker made a call for people to submit whatever they had in their hands to the Lord to be used by Him.

i was reluctant to make a move. because i knew my tendency to be a showy and theatrical person. and i was afraid that i would be as such without even knowing it.

and den, something spoke to me, at the back of my mind. "So, you want to be a corporate lawyer? you sure? what are you going to do for the Lord there?"

i realized i couldn't answer The Voice. i never could say, with 100% sincerity, that i'm content and certain of the job currently awaiting for me.

so, what do i do?

my friend once told me of this analogy - Place what you want and what you have on an open palm and hold it up to God. Too often do we hold it up, BUT with a clenched fist.

so here goes, everything i have, on that palm, up to God. my fingers need a bit of prying open, but continue to pry at it Lord. teach me.

chair (i.e. car + hair)

"eh. u throw the clutch again ah. cannot ah," instructor 3 said for the 428th time. "what did he teach u ah? i also duno. um. ah."

I felt a sudden protectiveness for Instructor 1 who took me for my first 2 lessons, chatted with me, encouraged me, told me about his life, made me laugh, put me at ease. Who was this Instructor 3, lounging and pressing away at his pda to insult the one who awoke the Driver in me???

"ok ok." this instructor was anywhere but encouraging. but his insults pushed me above his discouragements.

driving is getting booorrrriiinnnngggggg.

or perhaps i was just restless today? an unrest brews. and hence, i had to do something to my hair.

do u know we humans intrinsically response to stress by cutting our hair? i've seen it happen so many times during the sch term, esp close to exams. wah, suddenly everyone short hair. or BLONDE/RED/ORANGE hair.

i went to extend my hair. does that mean i'm adding on stress to myself? symbolically it could be so.

but WHO CARES. i finally have Desir(ee)-able hair. something a truckload of conditioner could never do to mine. KEKEKE.

speakin about cars and hairs (which combine to form the form Chair), i remember a joke i once told in primary one when i was in class 1/5 of Ngee Ann Primary School. i was as cute as a button then (before the mandatory period of looking chao obiang and chubby), a good student, adored (and hence teased to death) by a korean boy (NO KIDDING YOU!) and rather shy and girly.

the joke was told during one of those rare moments where i didn't feel so shy or girly and was acting rather bubbly and noisily (i think all my inner nonsense, having been kept dormant for so long, is now bursting out in a incessant overflow upon puberty's finis). and this is it.

apparently, i was trying to warn someone or tell someone about a Chair. but said person didn't hear me. so i was telling a group of friends:

"You know, he (meaning the someone i was talking to previously) couldn't hear me. i said Chair. he thought he heard Hair."

*everyone laughs*

"Den i said Chair again and he heard Air."

*everyone laughs*

that's it. because there is no such word as Ir.

i still remember feeling amazed that i spoke in public to a GROUP that day. and that i told a joke! Me! i can't tell jokes to save my hair extensions!

now i'm simply amazed that ppl laughed at that. oh, the silliness of p1 kids. hilarious to the max. i have another primary sch story to tell about how a guy and a girl got attached in p4 when they were flanking me in class. hilarious. maybe next time.

i woke up, praying. the idea haunted me even in my dreams. so much so that my first thought upon opening my eyes was just to pray.

my system is overloaded with a particular thought. it's like a virus. spreading. nagging. even in my dreams. it really feels like someone Incepted my mind.

i feel tired of the thought today though. im thinking in circles. i've decided to let it fade. i'm not going to hold on to this viral imaginarium.

what is, is. and what will be, will be.

in other news, i'm hungry and waiting to go drive. =D gotta chiong my saranghaeyeo hw now.

i sat gazing out to the moss green ocean. the sun glaring from "my 5 o clock". the constant wind manages to neutralize the warmth of the sun.

i'm no nature lover. and im no emo-beach-go-er.

i sat. i switched on my itouch. i plugged in. and i tuned to one of my favourite ballads.

and den i cried. not over love. not over present struggles. i cried for my past heartbreaks and my stormy periods. i mourned for the period i was lost and alone, when i rejected God and didn't seek him out. i ached for the time lost.

i cried with a strange empathy for a Me that no longer was. i thought of people who might still be going through what i was. but my tears were not for them this time round.

they were my tears for Me.

i know what i yet do not.

everything is falling in place. falling, falling, falling.

the fear that i am wrong freaks me out like mad. the fear overrides how simple my joy, however prospectively short-lasting it is, could be.

im scared, and waiting.

its been a while since i've NOT looked forward to something sooo muuucccchhh.

driving lesson tml. sian ttm. ubi is the most depressing place ever. T_T

the first time, i was dying to go run.