Me: "nope. reflecting is not my thing. how to reflect????"
i'm not the kind to go take a walk in chinese gardens (kekekeke justin) nor walk on the beach (dawn, perhaps?) nor walk the streets of joochiat in the wee hours of the morning (aunty chacha) not sit at the table, on the bed, anywhere, with a journal, and reflect (bff, perhaps?).
But today, 2 things came to my mind during my own personal battlefield (i.e. jogging along the beach). or rather, 3 things.
1stly, i will run.
i have a personal extra-short-term goal when it comes running/exercising. i never stop short of the goal i set. never ever. i will run and do sit-ups till i ache, hurt and even cry. but i won't stop. to be realistic, i often do not set very high goals. my goal for the past 2 months of running in marine parade have been almost the same (and rather short at that). run to the seafood restaurants and back. however, i will always complete that distance with a short 1 min break once i hit the bridge to the seafood restaurants and chiong back, often with a burst of speed at the end. this i do, regardless of whether i've had a rough day or whether i haven't eaten anything for breakfast during the morn runs (NO ENERGY).
and so it made me realize, i can run. not only along the beach. but in all things i resolve to do well. i will run and continue running.
if theres a small obstacle, i will push. if theres a large obstacle, i will push harder. unless something involuntarily stops me fully in my tracks, i will run. of coz this will only be things i WANT to do. to do it for all things would be impossible and silly. and to adopt this kind of attitude for activities not worth me pursuing would be even sillier (how many times have i done this in the past!)
2ndly, i will dance
my hope of dancing has never went away. initially, i thought it was the chauvinistic attention-seeking part of me that basked in the idea of dancing.
apparently not. i no longer feel the urgent need to stand out. and yet i still feel like dancing. and it saddens me that i've stiffened. that i hadn't pursue what i loved. and not for want of trying. i teared when i first entered uni and realized i could not join dance as i couldn't make it for the timeslots for practices.
dance classes are inadequate. i want to dance, to perform. i can't dance mindlessly, like on the clubbing floor and what nonsense. it doesn't make sense for me to do something for no ends, even if it's what i love. to me - to dance is to practice to perfection. to dance is to invest time, energy and heart. to dance it to perform.
i always thought this urge and desire to dance was childish. but this is my makeup and my personal passion. and i learnt today, as i sat on a swivel chair in the lights shop as my parents negotiated pricing with the shop-owner, that theres no need to dress down what i long for and my desires are nothing to be ashamed of.
Quoting from Leigh McLeroy's The Beautiful Ache:
"How is it possible to long for something so deeply and so desperately and never see it? Haven't i trusted in You, God, or have I only not trusted in me? Is the desire of my heart from You? And if so - haven't You promised to give it when I delight myself in You? And haven't I done that? Then what? When? How? I have waited on You alone. I want You and no one else, to give me my desire of a husband a family."
"Did Sarah ever remind You of her age? This Saturday, Lord God, is my birthday. Another year, and my desire is the same as it has ever been. All my distractions and old allegiances are gone. Killed. Severed. I am no one's now but Yours."
"I need You to give me the desires of my heart. I cannot get them for myself, by myself. Help me to look expectantly to the future You are forging for me, even now. To believe Your good loving-kindness exists for me and not just for others. Help me to count on You, to hope in You with confident assurance. Please. It's midnight, and I'm here: begging for my bread before the only one who can give it.Prepare a banquet for me, jst because You are good. Please God, would You do that for me?"
"Why shouldn't i hope outrageously in my good God, with ot without a bright red bird in sight? His loving-kindness is everlasting, and so in faith i do believe. May he help my unbelief and - until that day - make me strong enough to embrace the ache I am still too hopeful and hungry to quietly put away"
McLeroy's wish is to get married and have kids. McLeroy is probably pushing 50. i tried to find her age, but all i could find was a picture.
nothing wrong with embracing that hope, no matter how small or embarrassing.
i've a few thoughts in my head how to go about doing this. most imptantly, i want to dance in a way that will bring glory to God and not to myself. and so i pray for Him to purify my desires. and if it His will, to satisfy it.
the magic of thoughts on adrenaline.
